I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SloopJonB]

^^^ that's, well not the reaction I was expecting.

O.K. no google on this:

a). Three people are sitting in a cabin, dead, in the middle of the bush in the middle of nowhere, there are no tracks in and there are no tracks out,
How did they get there?

They flew - they're dead in the cabin of a crashed plane.

b), If you are sitting in a building where all four walls face south, what colour is the bear out the window?

White

c), A butcher who is six foot tall has been working at the butcher shop for six years,


What does he weigh?

Meat

Answers later.
(don't over think these)

jeroen

[floating dutchman]

^^^ O.K. too easy for this crowd.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SYW7l8997s[/youtube]

[Rob McAlpine]

Slaton's not far from us, maybe 85 miles or so, which is close around here. I operate a lot of oil wells on cotton farms, pretty good friends with some farmers, they're very resourceful guys. Hard workers, too.

Country folks have to be handy. I had a sophomore on my robotics team last year, I gave him some 20" heavy wall oil well casing, he made 3 just killer barbeque pits. He's a skilled welder and machinist at 15, plus top in the 10 of his class (out of 750).

We don't buy grill guards for the field pickup trucks, the guy who's going to drive the truck makes his own. If he can't, I really don't want him working for me. Two of my oldest guys never finished high school, they needed to work, but don't ever try to tell me they're not smarter than most guys with engineering degrees.

[floating dutchman]

Well, I put it in this thread because I assumed it was fake, Looks fake, the rolls of (cotton?) look like they could be computer generated, The colour is almost to good on them.

[Rob McAlpine]

Looks very real to me. The cotton is post-ginning and delinting, probably ready to be shipped the China. Before ginning it's in giant blocks lined up with ID numbers spray painted on the side.

They save the cottonseed hulls and bag them in 50# bags that we use as a drilling mud additive for lost circulation.

Sorry about the double post above, I don't know why that happens.

[SloopJonB]

Cotton? I thought they were giant cheeses.

If it's real, how do they get sliced inside that hopper truck?

[Ish]

They go in sliced...just nicely aligned.

[BeauV]

Cotton? I thought they were giant cheeses.

If it's real, how do they get sliced inside that hopper truck?

Cheese, Grommet!! We forgot the CHEESE!!!" sorry, I miss Wallace and Grommet tremendously!!

[Soñadora]

An oldie but a goodie:


If Operating Systems Were Retail Stores

DOS Warehouse – A nondescript warehouse in the "bad part" of town there is one customer service representative, but he only speaks broken English. You have to find everything yourself and that can be difficult because the entire warehouse is lit by three 40 watt light bulbs. The prices are decent and everything laid out in a fairly orderly manner but all of the merchandise is at least 20 years old. Only the oddest of folks still shop here.


Win World 95 – Cheap but large selection of merchandise and millions of locations worldwide, unfortunately they have odd and annoying business practices. For example they tend to stock the lighters right beside the gasoline and the guns right beside the antidepressants. Periodically when you try and pay with your VISA card all of the store employees will pull out bats and beat you within an inch of your life. Also, once a day somewhere a store burns completely to the ground, no one knows why. Business once was very strong but now few people come here.


Win World 98 – Many 95 stores were remodeled into 98 stores (it mainly involved repainting the building and giving the employees nightsticks). The wide variety of goods along with the decent price continued to be selling points. Though oddly enough for some reason people just adapted to shelves that broke killing hundreds of customers at a time. In spite of better stores many people can be found who still shop here because “it’s what they know”. They don’t want to risk going to a new store where they don’t know all of the attack dogs.


Win World ME – This was a store designed by a blind gay masochistic schizophrenic. Doors opened into walls, some lights are blue, some are red and some arc electricity at you in hopes of killing you. The carpet in the clothing department was decorated with those optical illusions that make you want to puke if you look at them for too long. The floor in the hardware department was polished bronze coated with Vaseline. Periodically shoppers would fall to their deaths due to hidden trap doors located throughout the store. The employees would no longer beat you with sticks but they would set your car on fire and then rape you if you weren't fast enough to make it to the door. Repeat business was not good. Win World eventually closed these stores after just a few months of operation and burned the empty buildings down just to be safe.


Win World XP – These stores tend to range in size from “small cites” to “small countries”. Almost everything in the world can be found in an XP store though it can be rather difficult to find due to its size. The main downside to XP stores is the rampant crime level. While in the store if the pickpockets don’t get your wallet then the employees themselves might club you to death and steal the fillings out of your teeth. If you should make it out of the store alive then you have a chance of trying to find what is left of your car. That is assuming the car thieves didn’t just steal it outright and instead chose to just strip it to the primer. You can hire robotic guards to protect your car but sometimes the crooks just put the guards in the car and steal both.


Win World Longhorn – This store hasn't opened yet but Win World Inc. has been promising for the last five years that any day now it will fling open its doors to throngs of adoring shoppers. They keep trying to open their main flagship store in Redmond but every time they think they have it ready it crashes back into rubble. This is due to several fundamental problems with their contractors. For instance, they first tried building the four square mile foundation out of rubber on a major fault line. Next they tried glass walls and cement ceilings. Soon we moved on to fixed product displays and moving floors. After that someone decided to install flood lights in the walls. Great idea but they put in 50,000 watt bulbs which flash fried all of the beta shoppers. They have been trying to rework their new concept store for years and are still no closer to building it.


Mac Classic Center – Mac Centers tend to be brightly lit, colorful and quiet places to buy artwork and other upscale amenities. All of the employees look the same because they are all clones. Everyone knows you by name and the store gives you a personal assistant to help you shop. Unfortunately high prices and a small selection have prevented wide acceptance of these particular chain of stores.


OS X Unlimited – Frank Lloyd Wright personally designed each sales center, as a result they are considered works of art in addition to stores. The Unlimited stores have been gain popularity recently for their wide selection, low prices, friendly personnel and intuitive layout of products. Open 24 hours a day 365 days a year it’s getting harder and harder to find items not sold in these new brand of stores. To the everlasting amusement of its employees the Win World XP stores across the street tends to try and copy Unlimited’s business practices, often with disastrous results, such as Unlimited’s product-finder. It has a telepathic interface and can project images of the desired item directly onto the cornea of the customers. The XP version tends to overload periodically and either turn the shopper into a vegetable or blind them permanently. Oddly enough no one ever believes that Unlimited comes out with these features first. Oh well.


UNIX Depot – This was originally an enormous factory that was converted (mostly) into a retail center. It is made entirely of steel and concrete. The walls, floor, doors, stands, racks, employees and most of their products are painted gun metal gray. Only serious customers shop here. This is the only store in which you can walk in and buy off the shelf an aircraft carrier, hydrogen bomb, division of infantry, communications satellite and refinery but not find a candy bar. The sales associates can tell you detailed specs of every part of every product they sell, but they refuse to smile while doing so.


Linux Outlet – This is more of a roving collection of gypsy tents than a store per se. People come and go and buy, sell and trade a wide variety of things. However, sometimes it can be hit and miss. For instance they will have 50,000 different types of T-shirts but only four different types of coats. Many things are given away free. You can get a brand new car for $5 the only downside is the manual cost $30,000. There are no sales people, rather if you need help you must try and find the owner of the tent you are in. On the upside you can always count on random people coming over to help you or give their opinions on a product. Though on the downside you never know if they have any idea what they are talking about but free is free I suppose.

[LarryHoward]

Excellent

[Blackbird]

Cotton? I thought they were giant cheeses.

If it's real, how do they get sliced inside that hopper truck?

Cheese, Grommet!! We forgot the CHEESE!!!" sorry, I miss Wallace and Grommet tremendously!!

Beau, my J/80 was called Gromit. The new owners kept the name. Of course our dinghy is still named Wallace.

Andy Burton

[BeauV]

So.....

If a bra is called an "Over the shoulder boulder holder".

Then.....

Are men's underwear called: "Under the butt nut hut?"

[Lin]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me?

Hide it under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[BeauV]

I LOVE IT!!! Lin, that's a great one. I had a grandfather who'd do things like what that priest did! It really took me back.

[BeauV]

The Admiral is jewish and we have great fun with these:

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

[BeauV]

For my Italian friends:

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. “Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' ?"

[BeauV]

Finally, for my blonde Irish female friends:

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
...... but all men...are men!

[SloopJonB]

The Admiral is jewish and we have great fun with these:

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

A Jewish mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday. As he is trying on the first one she says "what? you didn't like the other one?"

[Orestes Munn]

There is a sub-population of Jews, known as Yekke, which is from the German for jacket. Yekke Jews are German, assimilated, tend to be hopelessly intellectual, and suffer culturally and genetically from OCD and an exaggerated sense of conscience. I happen to be one.

So, a Yekke goes by train to visit his friend in the country. The friend picks him up at the station and asks how his trip was. The Yekke says, "Oh, it was horrible. I had to face backward and that always makes me I'll". Concerned, the friend asks, "Why didn't you ask one of the passengers sitting opposite you to switch seats?". The Yekke gives him a look of deep suffering and says,"I would have, but there was no one sitting there!".

[Anomaly]

There is a sub-population of Jews, known as Yekke, which is from the German for jacket. Yekke Jews are German, assimilated, tend to be hopelessly intellectual, and suffer culturally and genetically from OCD and an exaggerated sense of conscience. I happen to be one.

So, a Yekke goes by train to visit his friend in the country. The friend picks him up at the station and asks how his trip was. The Yekke says, "Oh, it was horrible. I had to face backward and that always makes me I'll". Concerned, the friend asks, "Why didn't you ask one of the passengers sitting opposite you to switch seats?". The Yekke gives him a look of deep suffering and says,"I would have, but there was no one sitting there!".

Some humor makes me glad to be alive and marvel at homo sapiens as creative creatures. For example, the Halloween episode of "Henri Le Chat Noir" on youtube. This joke is in that category, for me. Thanks Orestes.

[Orestes Munn]

There is a sub-population of Jews, known as Yekke, which is from the German for jacket. Yekke Jews are German, assimilated, tend to be hopelessly intellectual, and suffer culturally and genetically from OCD and an exaggerated sense of conscience. I happen to be one.

So, a Yekke goes by train to visit his friend in the country. The friend picks him up at the station and asks how his trip was. The Yekke says, "Oh, it was horrible. I had to face backward and that always makes me I'll". Concerned, the friend asks, "Why didn't you ask one of the passengers sitting opposite you to switch seats?". The Yekke gives him a look of deep suffering and says,"I would have, but there was no one sitting there!".

Some humor makes me glad to be alive and marvel at homo sapiens as creative creatures. For example, the Halloween episode of "Henri Le Chat Noir" on youtube. This joke is in that category, for me. Thanks Orestes.

I'm glad you get it. I'll have to look up Henri.

Lest anyone think it's a Jew thing, there is an ancient series of humorous stories about Nasredin Hodja, a minor Turkish holy man, some of which have the same flavor of existential silliness and passive-aggressiveness raised to the spiritual plane.

The Wikipedia entry is a little thin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nasreddin

[Lin]

OM, your style and sense of humor would make you a fun crew-mate on a passage.
Where would we be without a healthy dose of OCD among us?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and stops their entrance saying,

"Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai. "

[Orestes Munn]

OM, your style and sense of humor would make you a fun crew-mate on a passage.
Where would we be without a healthy dose of OCD among us?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and stops their entrance saying,

"Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai. "

Well, I was going to return the nice compliment...

[Anomaly]

I'm glad you get it. I'll have to look up Henri.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_fUsssnHPw&noredirect=1

"no one ever dresses as crippling self-doubt"... one of many fine lines.

[cap10ed]

THE WIFE FROM HELL!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour,sir ."

The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

"Only when he's been drinking."

[BeauV]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[cap10ed]

Nice one Beau. I might want to have that tattooed on my arm.

[Lin]

Cap10 and Beau, I have seen those before but they were well worth another read. Good ones.

[Lin]

Some random ones ...

[BeauV]

Lin, as a person who has difficulty with the "exceptions" in English, I really appreciate that first one!! BV