I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[BeauV]

Another dose:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat on the train and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

[cap10ed]

> Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
>
> "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
> **************************
> In a Podiatrist's office:
>
> "Time wounds all heels."
> **************************
> On a Septic Tank Truck:
>
> Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
> **************************
> At an Optometrist's Office:
>
> "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
> **************************
> On a Plumber's truck:
>
> "We repair what your husband fixed."
> **************************
> On another Plumber's truck:
>
> "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
> **************************
> At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
>
> "Invite us to your next blowout."
> **************************
> At a Towing company:
>
> "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
> **************************
> In a Non-smoking Area:
>
> "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
> action."
> **************************
> On a Maternity Room door:
>
> "Push. Push. Push."
> **************************
> At a Car Dealership:
>
> "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
> **************************
> Outside a Muffler Shop:
>
> "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
> **************************
> In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
>
> "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
> **************************
> At the Electric Company
>
> "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't,
> you will be."
> **************************
> In a Restaurant window:
>
> "Don't stand there and be hungry;
> come on in and get fed up."
> **************************
> In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

> "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
> **************************
> At a Propane Filling Station:
>
> "Thank heaven for little grills."
> **************************
> CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
>
> "Best place in town to take a leak."
> **************************
>"Small town mayors race. Funeral directors slogan”
>
> Vote for Smitty. I’ll be the last person to let you down !”
*************************

[BeauV]

Nicely done, Ed!

[kimbottles]

Very well done Ed!!

[BeauV]

A saturday afternoon dose:

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

A waitress working a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Soñadora]

I don't have a lot, but being in the midwest I my old standard fallback is Ole and Lena jokes.

Ole: "Y'know Sven, I yust got a bike fer my wife."
Sven: "Well dere Ole, sounds like you got a pretty good deal!"

Ole: "Ahh Sven, y'know, I din't know what love was like until I ment Lena."
Sven: "Well now, isn't dat sveet!"
Ole: "Yah, but by den it was too late."

[Lin]

Great thread .... plenty of chuckles

[BeauV]

Lin, - I love it!!!

This year Bob Hope would have been 110 years old, instead he took off for the hereafter for a round of golf with his buddy Bing ten years ago. Here is a list of a small number of one-liners from the master of the one-liner:

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.

ON TURNING 80
That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

ON TURNING 90
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

ON TURNING 100
I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
Stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

[SloopJonB]

I love the boxing one!

George Burns had one of my all time favourite "old" jokes. He was on stage at 96 or so, with two beautiful girls and his usual big stogie. He said "My doctors have been telling me for years that I've got to quit smoking these things - but they're all dead now.

[cap10ed]

Morning chuckle :

They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front
yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to
good home. You want it, you take it.' For three
days the fridge sat there without anyone looking
twice. He eventually decided that people were
too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the
sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us! And they vote!
--------------------------------------------------------


*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'Where?'

They walk among us! And they vote.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for quite sometime. She shook her headand said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us! And they vote!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria,when we overheard an admin girl talking
about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive
to the beach. She drove down in a convertible,
but said she didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving.

They Walk Among Us! And they vote!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us! And they vote!
----------------------------------------------------------------------


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area and went to the lost luggage office and
reported the loss. The woman there smiled and
told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,'
she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

They Walk Among Us! And they vote!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be
alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for
some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces;
I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us! And they vote!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'



------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.


He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did
this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.


THEY WALK AMONG US-- AND THEY
VOTE.

[alx]

A priest, a drunk, and an engineer are sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest is first in line, and the executioner asks if he'd like to be face up or face down. The priest replies that he'd like to be facing heaven when he dies, so the executioner allows it. The blade comes speeding down and stops an inch from the priest's neck, whereupon the executioner declares that a miracle has occurred and allows the priest to go free.

Next is the drunk, who also chooses to face upwards and begins praying loudly for another miracle as the blade is raised. Upon its release, it also stops an inch from the man's neck. The executioner immediately announces the second miracle, and allows the drunk to go free.

The engineer is given the same choice and also elects to face upwards. As the executioner cranks the blade upwards, the engineer calls out suddenly "Hey, I see what your problem is..."

[BeauV]

Two rednecks were talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

After a while the first redneck says to the second,
'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second redneck crooked his head sideways, scratched, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

[Lin]

This has become a thread I look forward to reading.

[JoeP]

Paddy and Seamus walked into a pub totally despondant. After serving them their beer the bartender asked "whats the matter lads?" Paddy said "well we've been out duck huntin' but haven't gotten a single one". The bartender asked what kind of dogs they were using. "Dogs? We didn't kow we were supposed to use dogs" said Seamus. "We'll go right out and get some" said Paddy, and so they did. Two days later they were back in the pub, sadder than ever. The bartender asked once again what the matter was. Paddy said "we've been hunting for two days with the dogs and still we haven't gotten anything! I don't understand why". Seamus took a sip of his beer, looked at Paddy, and said "Maybe we're not throwin' the dogs high enough.

[BeauV]

'Nuff said!!

[floating dutchman]

So, where it the link?

[JoeP]

Here are several links:

Links.jpg

[BeauV]

Joe, you're such a ham! BV

[cap10ed]

A seniors perspective.

One old guy says to his buddy:
"Ya know, the world is getting all messed up.
Every other day, you hear about someone else getting some
debilitating disease.
It's too bad you don't get a choice at which way you end up in life!
What would you rather have, Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"
His buddy quickly replies: "Parkinson's, definitely, yep, Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of good whiskey,
than to forget where you keep the fuckin' bottle!!"

[BeauV]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[bob perry]

Shit Beau. I'm sure glad I went for the waterproof keyboard!

[cap10ed]

A true gem Beau. I think Bob did a nose splat on the keyboard.

[BeauV]

'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
what's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'

[Lin]

Beau, that is funny!
I tried to quote it, but no can do.

[BeauV]

Beau, that is funny!
I tried to quote it, but no can do.

Just select it in your web browser and hit "command" + "c" (on apple) "cntrl" + "c" on PC, and it should copy. They you should be able to past it wherever you like. Hope that helps.

BV

[Lin]

Beau, that is funny!
I tried to quote it, but no can do.

Just select it in your web browser and hit "command" + "c" (on apple) "cntrl" + "c" on PC, and it should copy. They you should be able to past it wherever you like. Hope that helps.
BV

Thanks very much, Beau. I think have it. : )

[Tim OConnell]

A Cockney walks into a fish and chip shop and says:
"Foive quids werf uv farkin fish n chips"
The server said "I beg your pardon. What did you say?"
He replied "I said Foive quids werf uv farkin fish n chips"
She says " if you come around this side of the counter and I go to your side, I'll show you how to do it properly"
They exchange places and she says "Please can I have 5 pounds worth of fish and chips"
He replies "fark orf. Git aaht ov 'ere. Ya wouldn't serve me !!"

[kimbottles]

See I told you he was in pretty good spirits!

[BeauV]

Tim, great to have you back on-line! Here's one for you, given your recent interaction with the medical establishment:

Short Med School Exam

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

The rest are in Congress

[bob perry]

Wheen Beethoven died they buried him in a secluded area of the cemetery. A couple of weeks after the burial the head groundskeeper was walking by checking things out and he thought he heard a strange noise. It was comming from Beethoven's grave. He went over and put his ear down close to the ground and he could distinctly hear the noise. It was music. He could hear it and it scared him. He ran off to get the local vicar. The vicar went back to the grave, pretty incredulous of the groundskeeper's story. But when he got to the grave he too could hear the music. He was terrified so he ran of to get the town's magistrate. The magistrate arrived at the grave with the vicar and the groundskeeper and he put his head down to the grave.

"I hear it. That's Beethoven's 9th symphony."
"Now listen, It's Beethoven's 8th symphony."

"Now it's the 7th."
"Now it's the 6th"

"What's going on?" said the vicar.

" Nothing to worry about" said the magistrate. "That's just Beethoven decomposing.