I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[Soñadora]

These are winners:

Creepy Kid Quotes

[BeauV]

These are winners:

Creepy Kid Quotes

WOW! I'm not sure I wanted to read some of those.....

[Ish]

Sounds like my life, day to day.










Not. Most of my supernatural encounters have been traced to things I ate, voluntarily and otherwise.

[Ish]

More fun with autocorrect here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/the-30-most-hilarious-autocorrect-struggles-ever

These really jogged my funnybone.

[viktor]

Came across this. Poor guy is just trying to sell a fish tank.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php

[cap10ed]

The Blind Cashier
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only
$20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way
the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear
Repellent is $3.50.”

[BeauV]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

[Brooke]

The first time I read one of those best of autocorrect lists I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe! They are hilarious - always good when you really need a laugh.

[Soñadora]

Thanks Clay via the Facebooks

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9f2_1373855757

you will cry

[IrieMon]

D-mn you Jedi Cats ! Rented an apartment for Feb in FL and the feral cats would go "at it" all night long.... drove my dog nuts. And no light-sabers to spare.

Here's another contribution

[Soñadora]

that totally resonated with my inner nerd

by the way, today is pi day

[cap10ed]

that totally resonated with my inner nerd

by the way, today is pi day

I am with you on this one Rick. Pecan for me.

[cap10ed]

A wee bit of dark humour.

A very old scotsman lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[kimbottles]

A wee bit of dark humour.

A very old scotsman lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

I just read this to SWMBO, she cringed! But she also laughed out loud........

[cap10ed]

A wee bit of dark humour.

A very old scotsman lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

I just read this to SWMBO, she cringed! But she also laughed out loud........

The Admiral is a keeper Kim. Just keep the spatula hidden.

[Orestes Munn]

I don't get it.

[Ish]

I don't get it.

Gette whate?

[cap10ed]

[quote="Orestes Munn"]I don't get it." You will if your a good cook in the galley or on the barbie.

[Soñadora]

Snorg Tees

some of my favorites:

[Tigger]

And, in the 'truth is stranger than fiction' department ... a variation on the "I'm not dead yet!" theme ...

http://www.vancouverdesi.com/lifestyle/ ... rt/731327/

[BeauV]

If a finance person says: "The glass is half empty." and a marketing person says "The glass is half full.", what does an engineer say???

"The glass is twice as large as it should be, and clearly not selected by a technically competent person."

[Lin]

Cap10Ed, I enjoyed that one!! Surprised the old Mrs. used a spatula instead of a spurtle, though. :~P
A Scottish friend, gave me a spurtle a couple years ago and I like to use it when cooking my steel cut oatmeal. Prior to receiving it as a gift, I had not heard of a spurtle.

Good contributions in here! : )

[cap10ed]

Cap10Ed, I enjoyed that one!! Surprised the old Mrs. used a spatula instead of a spurtle, though. :~P
A Scottish friend, gave me a spurtle a couple years ago and I like to use it when cooking my steel cut oatmeal. Prior to receiving it as a gift, I had not heard of a spurtle.

Good contributions in here! : )

Lin I’ll have to look up that kitchen tool. Never heard of one. Glad you enjoyed the joke.

[Ish]

Cap10Ed, I enjoyed that one!! Surprised the old Mrs. used a spatula instead of a spurtle, though. :~P
A Scottish friend, gave me a spurtle a couple years ago and I like to use it when cooking my steel cut oatmeal. Prior to receiving it as a gift, I had not heard of a spurtle.

Good contributions in here! : )

Lin I’ll have to look up that kitchen tool. Never heard of one. Glad you enjoyed the joke.

Lee Valley sells them if you absolutely must have one. http://www.leevalley.com/en/gifts/page.aspx?p=58550&cat=4,104,53209,58550

[SloopJonB]

That's just a long belaying pin.

[Lin]

I like my spurtle, because it was a gift that I never expected, from someone whom I hardly knew at the time. He has a wonderful Scottish accent and is a very decent person. I cherish it because of that. Funny how a little piece of wood can bring such a smile. ; )
In 2006, I had a fantastic holiday in Scotland and have many good memories of time spent there. The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo, haggis, heather, bagpipes, the Isle of Skye, traveling by steam train and boat around the lochs, old castles and ruins, beautiful architecture. It's a wonderful place to visit.

[Lin]

In keeping with the above ...

[SloopJonB]

I love the sound of the pipes but there oughta' be a law that they can only be played outdoors.

[Orestes Munn]

The steel cut oats we buy say something about a "Golden Spurtle" award on the package. I thought spurtling might be something they caused you to do, but I'm glad to know otherwise.

I don't mind the pipes in small doses. We once soent a long summer evening in an anchorage with another boat and, just as the sun was horizoning, the guy stood on the bow and played it down. Then he stopped. Very, very cool. Canadian, of course,

[cap10ed]

I thought of Bob P when I read this little gem:
Why Older Men can’t land a job.

Job Interview:


Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"


Older Man : "My honesty."



Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."



Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."