I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[Tim OConnell]

I thought of Bob P when I read this little gem:
Why Older Men can’t land a job.

Job Interview:


Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"


Older Man : "My honesty."



Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is necessarily a weakness."



Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."

LOL that remnds me of a lapel button I saw: "shut up while I practice my people skills"

[SloopJonB]

I don't get it.

[kimbottles]

SWMBO says it is a good thing that I own the company because she says I am unemployable.

I wonder why she thinks that? I am as much of a peach as Bob.

[BeauV]

THE BLONDE MAN HAS FINALLY ARRIVED..............................

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve
to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't
you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell
forward, they'd still be in the boat."
--------------------------------------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police
station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the
next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday

[Lin]

Beau, very good!

[Lin]

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

--------------------------------------------------------------
RCMP: A Canadian calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!" The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine and leave. The phone rings at Antoine's.. "Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your house?" "Yep" "Did they chop all your firewood?" "Yep" "Happy Birthday Buddy!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Free Sex: A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up." Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex. The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex. The Canadian says, "7" The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Canadian says, "5" The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

[Soñadora]

I just joined AA: Anonymous Alcoholics.

We meet at a local bar, and buy each other drinks but don't tell anyone our names.

[cap10ed]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

[cap10ed]

How men see life and its consequences.

The devoted wife sat by her man as he lay in his hospital bed. He whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

[Lin]

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my Dachshund, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

[Orestes Munn]

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my Dachshund, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!
So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

Not a keeper, in other words.

[viktor]

Anyone here play golf? Some classic quotes here.

Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways
> of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind (probably always on time delay these days).
>
> Feherty Quotes: "Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
>
> "That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
>
> "I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
>
> Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
>
> Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin."
>
> "That's a great shot with that swing."
>
> "It's OK - the bunker stopped it."(My favorite.)
>
> At Augusta 2011 - "It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
>
> "That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
>
> "Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
>
> "That green appears smaller than a Pygmie's nipple".

[cap10ed]

At Yale University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Old Eli until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

[Ish]

Something for Bob for April 1:



Blech.

[BeauV]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."

That's him in down face first in Aisle 5. The one with the dent in his head.

[JoeP]

This from my Canadian cohort at work:

http://news.nationalpost.com/2014/04/04/the-most-canadian-police-chase-ever-alberta-mounties-bum-ride-on-snowmobile-to-chase-stolen-john-deere-tractor/

[SloopJonB]

Perfect - "Follow that tractor!"

Moore could have used it in "Canadian Bacon".

[BeauV]

This video had be in tears.... real, crocodile tears!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8DNGh126oM[/youtube]

[bob perry]

That's not funny.
That's story of my life.
I don't understand why people don't get it.
Do you really think that Einstein thought in straight math. If you do, you are an idiot.

I can walk a mile in,,,,let me see,,,,are the dogs with me? Am I fishing as I walk? Do I want to sit on this log for a while?
Do I want to to sit and think about the things that weigh on me. Well, yes I do. And there is no telling how long I may sit on this log.

[Ish]

That's not funny.
That's story of my life.
I don't understand why people don't get it.
Do you really think that Einstein thought in straight math. If you do, you are an idiot.

I can walk a mile in,,,,let me see,,,,are the dogs with me? Am I fishing as I walk? Do I want to sit on this log for a while?
Do I want to to sit and think about the things that weigh on me. Well, yes I do. And there is no telling how long I may sit on this log.

We can see where you are, but not how fast you're going. Or vice-versa.

What was the question again?

[BeauV]

That's not funny.
That's story of my life.
I don't understand why people don't get it.
Do you really think that Einstein thought in straight math. If you do, you are an idiot.

I can walk a mile in,,,,let me see,,,,are the dogs with me? Am I fishing as I walk? Do I want to sit on this log for a while?
Do I want to to sit and think about the things that weigh on me. Well, yes I do. And there is no telling how long I may sit on this log.

We can see where you are, but not how fast you're going. Or vice-versa.

What was the question again?

Does that Schordinger guy's cat have anything to do with this???

[Ish]

That's not funny.
That's story of my life.
I don't understand why people don't get it.
Do you really think that Einstein thought in straight math. If you do, you are an idiot.

I can walk a mile in,,,,let me see,,,,are the dogs with me? Am I fishing as I walk? Do I want to sit on this log for a while?
Do I want to to sit and think about the things that weigh on me. Well, yes I do. And there is no telling how long I may sit on this log.

We can see where you are, but not how fast you're going. Or vice-versa.

What was the question again?

Does that Schordinger guy's cat have anything to do with this???

The cat is dead. Or not. Heisenberg will eventually find the cat when it starts to smell (or yowl).

[SloopJonB]

I saw that a couple of years ago and laughed myself sick - she really is the definition of blonde.

In a very weird way, her problem is that she's OVER-thinking it.

[Olaf Hart]

Sadly that is really common these days, she is thinking by association rather than sequentially.
She goes to a personal experience she thinks is close to the question, and tries to get to the answer from there, rather than thinking "if ... then...."
I bet her schooling was all in the humanities, rather than maths and science.

[JoeP]

This is junior high school or grade school math we're talking about here. I doubt she could have gotten in to college.

[SloopJonB]

One look at her eyes tells the story.

[cap10ed]

Newfie Midget Fisherman medical.

Testicles of a Newfoundland midget fisherman hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem..
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.
The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side..........then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said," How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?
The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

[BeauV]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week.
Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two
minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks'
pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

[cap10ed]

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, there was a professor, whose last name was Peters, who felt animosity toward Gandhi, and because Gandhi never conceded to him in any disagreement, their "arguments" were very common.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to him.

The professor, in his arrogance, said, "Mr. Gandhi: you do not understand... a pig and a bird do not sit together to eat," to which Gandhi replied, "You do not worry professor, I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, enraged, decided to take revenge on Gandhi on the next test, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Then, Mr. Peters asked him the following question, "Mr. Gandhi, if you are walking down the street and find a package, and within it there is a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money; which one will you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "the one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters, smiling, said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don’t you think?"

"Each one takes what one doesn't have", responded Gandhi indifferently.

Mr. Peters, already hysterical, wrote on the exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down. A few minutes later, Gandhi went to the professor and said, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet but you did not give me the grade."

[floating dutchman]

It's a little known fact, but the 747 Jumbo jet may not have made it into production had it not been for an employee at Boeing who won his job there in a contest.

As a publicity stunt, they held a paper aeroplane contest with a job for the winner.
There were some hopes that they would get someone with a knowledge of aerodynamics or engineering.
But instead it was won by an accountant who was working for Sorbent, who'd made paper planes for a hobby since primary school. Since starting work at Sorbent he'd spent hours experimenting with making planes out of toilet paper, and had got it down to a fine art, which helped him win the contest.
Boeing couldn't use him in their plane design or building areas, but employed him as an accountant.

Early testing of the 747 with models showed that with some of the simulated mid-air wind conditions, one or both wings could shear off. It never happened with computer simulations, but when the put scale models in the wind tunnel, it would occasionally happen. They tried many things to stop it happening, all to no avail. It was looking as if the whole project would have to be shelved.

One day in the lunch room, the accountant overheard some engineers talking about the problem. He suggested that they should drill a line of holes along the root of the wings.
They couldn't see how putting holes in something wouldn't weaken it and knowing he was only an accountant they decided he was definately talking bollocks and they ignored him. But after a few more weeks of the problem persisting, one of them remembered the suggestion and thought `what the hell', and gave it a try. To his amazement, the problem no longer occurred. They tested it with larger scale models and the problem did not re-occur.
Eventually it was tried on a full sized plane and it succsessfully passed all stress tests.
It was put into production with the line of holes included.

The engineer went to the accountant and said, "Buddy, your suggestion made no sense to any of us, but it worked. How did you know it would?"

"Mate, I worked at Sorbent for 8 years, and we could never get anything to tear along the perforations."