I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SloopJonB]

That reminded me of another Boeing story - amusing ending to an amazing stunt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra_khhzuFlE

[cap10ed]

Husband's Message (by cellphone):

"Honey, a car has hit me near the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital.
They have been making tests and taking X-rays.
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I do have three broken ribs,
a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot."

Wife's Response:

"Who the hell is Paula??"

[Lin]

Good one cap10ed ... : )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

English Speak:

You think English is easy?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

[BeauV]

LIIIIINNNN!!!!! I was just headed over here to post THIS!! Geeeesh, I'm going to have to get faster at this!

We have similar, perhaps terrible, taste in this sort of stuff.

BV

[Lin]

Beau, that video with the blonde and the conversation about mph, had me a bit gobsmacked. Seriously?
It brought to mind a quote I read recently, about the priorities of some young women. Basically it said - "you don't need bigger boobs, you need to read better books."

Victor, I enjoyed the golf jokes. I come from a family of avid golfers and I really enjoy the game when I have enough time to play. Here are a few more golf ones.

Ten best caddy responses

Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so .. . . ...That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course ... . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus:
An old favourite . .. . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole.
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy..............

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems.........?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and says, "I don't see anything."
Caddy: "Other end."

[SloopJonB]

I hate golf but I'd almost be willing to take it up just for the opportunity to use some of those.

[cap10ed]

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.


**** And the WINNER is... ****


FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[SloopJonB]

British humour is not just different, it's the best - the gold standard.

Love the wedding dress ad .

[Lin]

Good one Ed!!

I totally agree Jon B about British humour. It's usually sharp, dry and intelligent.

[Tigger]

Mercedes SLK. Stage Door, Centennial Concert Hall, Winnipeg. Somebody's got some 'splainin to do.

10286331_10202100140288263_1566110528_o.jpg

[cap10ed]

Mercedes SLK. Stage Door, Centennial Concert Hall, Winnipeg. Somebody's got some 'splainin to do.

10286331_10202100140288263_1566110528_o.jpg

Well as they say. "It'll rub out " yea for a price !!!!

[Soñadora]

yeah, someone's got some 'splainin to do. Like what kind of drugs they were on when they designed that thing. Must have been the same hallucinogenics god was taking when he made a platypus.

McLaren SLK



Platypus



you decide

[cap10ed]

yeah, someone's got some 'splainin to do. Like what kind of drugs they were on when they designed that thing. Must have been the same hallucinogenics god was taking when he made a platypus.

McLaren SLK



Platypus



you decide

Sons I think they borrowed some styling cues from this wonder of modern engineering.

[justinkelleher]

Hey, don't knock the Platypus, they're awesome.

[Ish]

Hey, don't knock the Platypus, they're awesome.

Wouldn't that be "Don't knock the playtypii" being the multiple platypus pluperfect?

[cap10ed]

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A
boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the
tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to
your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.

[SloopJonB]

Reminded me of a sign I used to see on the way to the Okanagan - "Bull Testing Station". It was above a pretty small shed - barely big enough to hold a bull. Every time I saw it I'd laugh - talk about a lousy, hazardous job.

[Cherie320]

So, a Highway Patrol Officer pulled a car over for speeding. He was somewhat surprised when he looked in the window and saw a woman of considerable age. He ask her for her drivers license. She picked up her large purse and reached in for her wallet. The officer could see the handle of a very large pistol just inside the top of the bag. He backed off and told her to not make any sudden moves and explain the gun. She told him it was no big deal. She said that she had carried it for about 70 years. She handed him her drivers license which said she was 90. He asked her if she had a permit for the gun and she showed him that license. The officer ask her why she carried such a big gun and what she was afraid of. She smiled, patted the gun and said "Sonny, I am not afraid of anything." Pat

[Lin]

NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS! Part I

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

-Author Unknown

[BeauV]

Lin,

That is HYSTERICAL!!!

BV

[Orestes Munn]

I like it very much, too. However, it got me thinking about what the equipment for sexual harassment really consists of.

[SloopJonB]

I like it very much, too. However, it got me thinking about what the equipment for sexual harassment really consists of.

Now that's what I call an academic!

[Lin]

I got this in an email from my Mom, who is an avid bridge player.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This has been around for decades. If you don’t play bridge, you might not laugh, but bridge players will enjoy.

Why the cleaning lady quit

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment she replied, ‘Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’

They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down and let’s see
what you got.’

Another man said ‘I got strength, but not much length.’

And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off my trick.’

I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You
jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.

Another lady was talking about protecting her honor.

And, two ladies were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your
husband while you play with mine.’

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one of
them didn’t say,

‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last rubber!’

[cap10ed]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,

“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[SloopJonB]

Attraction.jpg

[Ish]

This is more ludicrous than funny, but real.

A Manhattan man has sued the city, NYC Transit, Au Bon Pain Store, two local hospitals, Kmart, a “Latina” dog owner and anyone else he could think of – for two undecillion dollars.

Anton Purisima, 62, filed the hand-scribbled lawsuit in Manhattan federal court seeking more money than what’s on the planet — and, in turn, likely setting a new record for a lawsuit money demand.

Purisima, who is representing himself, appears to be more of a mathematician than a lawyer.

He correctly listed the obscure number few have heard of – which is written with a “2″ followed by 36 zeros – in a fabulously frivolous 22-page complaint that rambles on by accusing the defendants of everything from civil rights violations to attempted murder.

While its difficult to decipher just what Purisima is accusing the defendants of, some allegations are clear.

His claims include having his middle finger infected and bloodied after being bit by a “rabies-infected” dog on a city bus and then having a “Chinese couple” taking unauthorized photos of him while he was being treated at a local hospital.

The suit claims the pain and damages he suffered can’t be measured in money and are, therefore, “priceless.”

Included in the suit as evidence is a photo of his bloodied finger.

Purisima’s number is unlisted and he could not be reached for comment.

[SloopJonB]

A guy arrives home from his Saturday golf game completely exhausted and disheveled.

His wife says "What happened? How was your game?"

"It was the worst game I ever played. By the ninth hole I was three under par - the best I had ever played. Just as we finished the hole, George dropped dead"

"That's terrible"

"It sure was - for the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George".

[Jamie]

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor. He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it. I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

[Lin]

It's pretty sad when some do not realize or recognize the significance, importance and presence of humour, and a missed "; ) " can make all the difference in interpetation.

Some funny ones added, guys.

[BeauV]

Not quite a bad joke, but a good story:

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the
University of Copenhagen

"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper using a barometer."

One student replied:

"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the
barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of
the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string
plus the length of the barometer will equal the height
of the building."

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner
that the student was failed. The student appealed on
the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct,
and the university appointed an independent arbiter to
decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer
was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable
knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was
decided to call the student in and allow him six
minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which
showed at least a minimal familiarity the basic
principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead
creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time
was running out, to which the student replied that he
had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't
make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as
follows:

"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof
of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure
the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of
the building can then be worked out from the formula
H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."

"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height
of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the
length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of
the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple
matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the
height of the skyscraper."

"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it,
you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer
and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and
then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is
worked out by the difference in the gravitational
restoring force T = 2 pi sq root (l / g)."

"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency
staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark
off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths,
then add them up."

"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about
it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure
the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on
the ground, and convert the difference in millibars
into feet to give the height of the building."

"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise
independence of mind and apply scientific methods,
undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the
janitor's door and say to him, 'If you would like a nice
new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me
the height of this skyscraper'."

*...The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the
Nobel prize for Physics.*