I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[cap10ed]

Thanks for that one Beau.

[cap10ed]

Why you should give your self time to think about a tattoo.

[cap10ed]

This one is for LIn.



Short & sweet,A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk and, without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

[BeauV]

ASSUMPTIONS .....

A group of friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Al and Jean to be the hosts, Jean wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, "No mushrooms.They are too high."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're okay.”

So Jean decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Jean watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Jean even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Jean's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead."

Jean went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. The scene was not pretty. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room. About this time the helper lady came in and whispered to Jean, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

[BeauV]

THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a
German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan),
an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a
Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a
Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a
Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a
Cayman Islander, a South African, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,
an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an
Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a
Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a
Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an
Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin
Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican,
a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean,
an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans……….

ALL walk into a posh restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.
"You can’t come in here without a……

Thai ……..”

(I think that's enough for today on this thread - ugh!)

[cap10ed]

That one hurt my eyes Beau. LOL
Thanks for keeping Mayan alive. Ed

[Orestes Munn]

I disagree.

[BeauV]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.

I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through
the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[floating dutchman]

I think she lives in Nelson.

[Lin]

This one is for LIn.



Short & sweet,A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted bank clerk and, without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!'

lol, been a while since I read this and it always bears a chuckle. Thanks Ed! : )

(I can honestly say that I don't miss night shifts at all. I did Day/night shift work for 25 years and it was exhausting. My sleep cycle still gets easily messed up and I am protective over my sleep. I have been doing day shifts only, (a crazy work schedule though) for 7 years now. The thought of going back to working nights shifts causes terror inside. I liked the work, but could not sleep during the day, given that I am inherently a morning person. )

Beau, good one!

[Lin]

Meow!!

[IrieMon]

A great one from Weird Al.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc

[cap10ed]

Donkey Clock
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdN36f2l8h4&hd=1

[BeauV]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and

says, 'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

[bob perry]

I find it impossible not to be very proud of my son. Look at that beautiful Viking family.

[kimbottles]

Is that a Viking Utilikilt??

[Rasp]

Is that a Viking Utilikilt??

What did one Viking marauder say to the other after a long night of raping and pillaging?


"I'm so Thor, I can't take a pith!"

[BeauV]

Funny we should take this turn. Here's what I just found on-line:

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/usa-viking-ship-discovered-near-mississipi-river/

[bob perry]

Beau: That post is thought to be a hoax,

Kim: Yes, that is one of Spike's Utilikilts. He had several. I have a black one in the garage but it doesn't fit.

[BeauV]

Beau: That post is thought to be a hoax,

Kim: Yes, that is one of Spike's Utilikilts. He had several. I have a black one in the garage but it doesn't fit.

You're right - it is a hoax. Just checked on Snopes. Sorry everyone.

[kimbottles]

Beau: That post is thought to be a hoax,

Kim: Yes, that is one of Spike's Utilikilts. He had several. I have a black one in the garage but it doesn't fit.

I have a navy blue one and a olive green one. Maybe I will wear one at the Rendezvous.

[Ish]

Beau: That post is thought to be a hoax,

Kim: Yes, that is one of Spike's Utilikilts. He had several. I have a black one in the garage but it doesn't fit.

I have a navy blue one and a olive green one. Maybe I will wear one at the Rendezvous.

Probably better than not.

[BeauV]

BIBLICAL STORY
A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." She then hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too.

[Lin]

Offering up a few more groans ...

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The others goes to a family in Spain, and is named "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she also wishes she had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! Once you've see Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the her: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in the field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you " says Dolly. "It's true, no bull" exclaims Daisy.

Deja Moo: The feeling you have heard this bull before

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh man,this is bad ... ; P ) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!

[JoeP]

Oh be still my heart! I love puns. Thanks Lin.

[cap10ed]

All good Lin. Well worth sharing. Thanks.

[Lin]

Horsing around ...

[Lin]

Ancient grammar

[BeauV]

Lipstick in Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[BeauV]

Clearly, I've been communicating with my friends in OZ !


Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All Winter!