I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[Ish]

Just in case you were wondering.

Oz USA translator

https://mobile.twitter.com/RjurikDavids ... 40/photo/1

OK, got it. I always thought of Oztralya as being an amorphous mass of Crocodile Dundee, Freo Doctor, and The Gods Must Be Crazy. I assume BC is somewhere off to the east, somewhere around the Huaraki Gulf.

[Olaf Hart]

Just in case you were wondering.

Oz USA translator

https://mobile.twitter.com/RjurikDavids ... 40/photo/1

OK, got it. I always thought of Oztralya as being an amorphous mass of Crocodile Dundee, Freo Doctor, and The Gods Must Be Crazy. I assume BC is somewhere off to the east, somewhere around the Huaraki Gulf.

NZ is BC
Tassie is Northern Cal, Oregon and Washington State with only 500,000 people living there.

[BeauV]

I love that map!! ^^^

[Olaf Hart]

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2017/0 ... oany-cunt/

[cap10ed]

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2017/03/15/are-you-always-feeling-stressed-tired-run-down-you-could-be-a-moany-cunt/

I have worked with people with that affliction. I hope it isn’t contagious ?

[BeauV]

Famous people:

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

[JoeP]

I had my first cage fight the other night.

Stupid Canary never knew what hit him.

[Orestes Munn]

Ha! I love 'em short and sweet (and zoological).

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

[Jamie]

[Rob McAlpine]

True story. My wife was out of town a few days ago, I told her on the phone I had bought 2 packages, 10 pairs of new boxers online.

She said "well, that ought to get you to the end."

[cap10ed]

Bravo Rob. Too funny.

True story. My wife was out of town a few days ago, I told her on the phone I had bought 2 packages, 10 pairs of new boxers online.

She said "well, that ought to get you to the end."

[JoeP]

BREAKING:

THE SWEDISH CHEF HAS JUST BEEN APPOINTED TO THE POSITION OF WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.

Covfefe.jpg

b0853228cce1f4dec1d02a1f893752b4.jpg

(I would have posted this no matter who was president).

[Tigger]

Tonight's guest on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Trevor Noah. Unlike the title of the thread, you may not want to look away!

[BeauV]

SHOPPING AT WALMART

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Brown:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.

[Olaf Hart]

http://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-0 ... st/8673188

[Olaf Hart]

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-12/m ... in/8700382

[Panope]

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-07-12/man-moves-fridge-on-brisbane-train/8700382

Sheesh. The nerve of that guy. Using public infrastructure to move his large possessions in such a brazen, illegal manner.

I would never do such a thing







again.

Steve

[Olaf Hart]

https://www.ft.com/lucycolumn

[Olaf Hart]

http://www.theonion.com/article/man-to- ... -of--26640

[Jamie]

Possibly some repeats

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

------------------------------ ------------

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us.
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

------------------------------ ------------

I just read that someone was killed with a starter's pistol. I bet it was race related

[JoeP]

eclipse_flights.png

[Jamie]

[BeauV]

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[snaggletooth]

Thackes, thoise our fun!

[Jamie]

[Olaf Hart]

IMG_0319.JPG

[Ajax]

Olaf, that's messed up.

[LarryHoward]

That dog should know enough to walk on the sheep's backs.

[BeauV]

That dog should know enough to walk on the sheep's backs.

No chance now!!

That looks like a Lab. I’m guessing a proper sheepdog would be sitting on the sheep smiling.

[Olaf Hart]

Great line from my youngest son today

"I don't like reality"

Maybe he has a point?