I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[Orestes Munn]

Salesman says to man in showroom, "Are you thinking about buying a new Cadillac, Sir?" Man says, "I'm buying a new Cadillac, but I'm thinking about pussy".

[BeauV]

FD - that is one of the best pranks EVER! Thanks, I'm passing that one along! Beau

[floating dutchman]

O.K. this is not a joke, but it's dam funny anyway.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8KAaf45g5U[/youtube]

[floating dutchman]

when I was a boy.jpg

[Olaf Hart]

Had to attend a CPR recertification this weekend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ILxjxfB4zNk

[cap10ed]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

[bob perry]

I won't name names or even places but recently when I went to another part of the country to see one of my projects I had the opportunity to play some music with the locals. I was introduced to the music of David Allen Coe. I liked it.
So, I set up a David Allen Coe station on my Pandora system. All red neck all the time. There was a comedian on yesterday. He was giving advice for how to have a happy marriage. He said, "Don't start any sentances with "Your fucking mother""

What can I say? You have to be in the David Allen Coe mood.

[Jamie]

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. Boris Spassky was once asked by a reporter, “Which do you prefer: chess or sex?”. Spassky replied “It very much depends on the position”.

3. “I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”

4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

5. Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

6. “is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

7. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…

8. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.

9. I’d tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

10. I prefer IP jokes; it’s all in the delivery.

11. I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I’d have to keep repeating it until you got it.

12. Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I’d like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that’s what I wanted!”

13. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

14. Two women walk into a bar, and talk about the Bechdel test.

15. Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?

Nobody!

16. A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After calculating air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory, he extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

At last, the mathematician awakes, only again to find a fire in the hallway. He instantly sees the extinguisher and thinks, “A solution exists!”, and heads back into his room.

17. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.

18. Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

19. A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ‘em!”

20. There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

21. There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

22. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He’s 0K now.

23. Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

24. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

25. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl” ?

The logician replies: “yes”.

26. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”

27. Your mother is so classless, she could be a marxist utopia

28. An organic chemist, an analytical chemist, and a physical chemist are asked if a certain horse will win the race. The organic chemist asks what the horse has been eating and drugs given to it. The analytical chemist asks for the makeup of the track and mud. The physical chemist starts with “If we assume that the horse is a sphere…”

29. This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

30. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”

31. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Can I have a glass of H2O.”

The second chemist says “Can I have a glass of water too.”

The first chemist broke down in tears – his assassination attempt had failed.

32. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

Edit: Apparently an anecdote was also in attendance.

33. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

34. An engineer, a chemist, and an economist are marooned on a desert island. They start to brainstorm a way off the island.
The engineer says, “we can lash together some branches and make a crude raft and try to make our way back to land somehow.”
The chemist says, “with the right materials we could build a really smokey fire and try to signal a plane.”
The economist says, “okay let’s assume we have a boat…”

35. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react.

36. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

37. Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”.

38. The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

39. An angel came down for a meeting of the American Philosophical Association. Greeting the assembled philosophers, the angel offered to answer a single question for them. Immediately the philosophers set to arguing about what they should ask. So the angel said, “Alright, you figure out what you want to ask. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he left the philosophers to deliberate.

Some of the philosophers favored asking conjunctive questions, but others argued persuasively that the angel probably wouldn’t count this as a single question. One philosopher wanted to ask “What is the best question to ask?”, in the hope that some day another angel might make a similar offer, at which point they could then ask the best question. But this suggestion was rejected by those who feared that no such opportunity would arise and did not want to waste their only question.

Finally, the philosophers agreed on the following question: “What is the ordered pair whose first member is the best question to ask, and whose second member is the answer to that question?” Satisfied with their decision, the philosophers awaited the angel’s return the next day, whereupon they posed their question. And the angel replied: “It is the ordered pair whose first member is the question you just asked, and whose second member is the answer I am now giving.” And then he disappeared.

40. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

41. C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”

42. An engineer, an economist, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland. On the top of a hill they see a black sheep. “What do you know,” the engineer remarks. “The sheep in Scotland are black.” “No, no”, protests the economist. “At least one of the sheep in Scotland is black.” The philosopher considers this a moment. “That’s not quite right. There’s at least one sheep which is black from one side.”

44. The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

45. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish.

46. Silver and Gold walk into a bar.

Bartender says “‘ey you, get outta here!”

Gold leaves the bar.

47. The first rule of Tautology club, is the first rule of Tautology club.

48. Wife walks in on husband, a string theorist, in bed with another woman. He shouts, “I can explain everything!”

49. Q: How was Louis the XIV feeling after completing the Palace of Versailles?

A: Baroque

50. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? TC mark

[Orestes Munn]

Most of those are very good. Most of the remainder are probably very good.

[Jamie]

[BeauV]

[Soñadora]

http://dysonology.wordpress.com/2011/05 ... ool-exams/

some exerpts:

5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

[cap10ed]

http://dysonology.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/56-bestworst-similes-used-in-high-school-exams/

some exerpts:

5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
13. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
18. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
26. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
39. Her pants fit her like a glove, well, maybe more like a mitten, actually.
48. I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don’t speak German. Anyway, it’s a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don’t know the name for those either.

Safety tip to all. Never read Rick’s posts while drinking hot coffee. In fact never sit across from some one reading Rick’s posts while they drink hot coffee. Brilliant Rick good start to a busy day.

[SloopJonB]

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home early from a friend’s house, hears, and hides in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that $hit again.”

[Tigger]

Speaking of confessionals ...

Paddy goes to confessional after a weekend of behaviour of which James Hunt would be proud.

Paddy: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
Priest: What have you done now Paddy?
Paddy: Adultery, Father.
Priest: Again? Paddy, I worry about you. Was it Mary O'Flanagan?
Paddy: No Father, I can't tell.
Priest: Was it Teresa O'Shaughnessy?
Paddy: No Father, I can't tell.
Priest: Well then, be off with you. $20 in the poor box and I don't want to see you in church for 6 months.

Later, Paddy meets his mates in the pub and they ask how confessional went. "Great," replies Paddy--"6 months sabbatical and two new names!!"

[SloopJonB]

My kind of Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain... good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?!? HARRROOOW!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.



And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.



1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[BeauV]

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Lin]

Wasn't sure where to post this, but I found it amusing. We have lots of dog lovers among us. The puppy at 3:45 stole my heart. I am generally drawn to dogs who love the water.

http://youtu.be/V4LnorVVxfw

A couple of these pooches are rather snarly. I'm not sure I would be as trusting with my face so close to those fangs.

[BeauV]

Lin!

Stacey and I were howling with laughter. Our big 100lb German Shepherd moans and whines like a little baby when he has to have a bath! We don't dare try the tub with his bad joints, so I made an adaptor for the shower that hooks to a garden hose. Now that he gets a warm water bath on the lawn he's a happy guy. But, I have to strip down to a bathing suit to get the job done, and I'm SOAKED by the time we're through.

Thanks for posting that!

Beau & Stacey

[SloopJonB]

That brought back some memories. The dog that hid under the bed at the word "bath" reminded me of one of our boys - he could SPELL bath - he'd hide like that if we said B.A.T.H.

[Orestes Munn]

That brought back some memories. The dog that hid under the bed at the word "bath" reminded me of one of our boys - he could SPELL bath - he'd hide like that if we said B.A.T.H.

The dogs I grew up with did that with words, such as WALK. They had amazing auditory memory.

[SloopJonB]

For the musicians here.

[Lin]

I was trying to resist posting this here, but decided what they hay.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) -

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

[BeauV]

This morning I was beaten up by a woman. I was in an elevator when this beautiful busty woman got in. I was staring at her boobs, when she said, "would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much after that.

[SloopJonB]

Why it's good to be a man;


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt at a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
Same work….more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase “F*#k it!”
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

[Jamie]

How I learned Spanish...

[floating dutchman]

A man's "swimmers" are doing the swim for life, one says to another "how far do you think it is to the ovaries?"
another replies "long way yet, we've just gone past the tonsils"

[Orestes Munn]

A man's "swimmers" are doing the swim for life, one says to another "how far do you think it is to the ovaries?"
another replies "long way yet, we've just gone past the tonsils"

Wait, is that an Adam's apple?

[floating dutchman]

^^^ that's, well not the reaction I was expecting.

O.K. no google on this:

a). Three people are sitting in a cabin, dead, in the middle of the bush in the middle of nowhere, there are no tracks in and there are no tracks out,
How did they get there?



b), If you are sitting in a building where all four walls face south, what colour is the bear out the window?



c), A butcher who is six foot tall has been working at the butcher shop for six years,
What does he weigh?


Answers later.
(don't over think these)

jeroen

[LarryHoward]

^^^ that's, well not the reaction I was expecting.

O.K. no google on this:

a). Three people are sitting in a cabin, dead, in the middle of the bush in the middle of nowhere, there are no tracks in and there are no tracks out,
How did they get there?

Alive

b), If you are sitting in a building where all four walls face south, what colour is the bear out the window?

White (noth pole)

c), A butcher who is six foot tall has been working at the butcher shop for six years,
What does he weigh?

Meat

Answers later.
(don't over think these)

jeroen