I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SemiSalt]

Re: NORAD

I worked for a while at a company that had a grain trading floor. The monitors always showed financial market prices, and weather radar for thunderstorms in the midwest, etc.

Except during the World Cup.....

[BeauV]

True story, I took an unused fitting back to the boat parts shop in Airlie Beach to exchange for some turnbuckles.

The guy behind the counter said “ you can’t exchange that”

“ it’s a non return valve...”

Well played, Sir!

[BeauV]

Australian Suicide Counseling:

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.

[avramd]

Ok, I've just discovered this thread so I'm a ways behind, but I have two I thought I'd share since one I made up, and the other actually lived...

I don't know how many of you remember "Sniglets" from Not Necessarily The News. They are "Words that don't exist, but should."

A couple examples first:

Fenderberg - the ice dams that build up at the back of your wheel wells when driving in snow
Furble - to follow the maze of ropes to get to the teller at the bank even though nobody else is in line
Lerplexed - unable to find the correct spelling for a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it

So this one just came to me out of nowhere when discussing sniglets with a girl I was dating a couple years ago:

Pelikenesis: The ability to move large aquatic birds using only your mind

[avramd]

And then this is a true story:

When I was a junior in college, I was elected treasurer of my fraternity. We didn't actually have a "house," so my apartment somewhat served as the house, and we threw parties there.

For one particular party, I had picked up the pony keg myself. It was sitting around a few days later. My "little brother" (pledge) was hanging out, and I said "Hey Andy - wanna come with me to go return this keg?" He said sure. We tossed it in the trunk of my barely functioning '79 Alfa Romeo Sport Sedan (story for another day), and headed over to Ball Square in Somerville.

This liquor store was tiny, barely a hole in the wall, with fake wood paneling. The guy behind the counter was wearing a once-all-white thread-bare wife-beater t-shirt. He was scrawny. His face and hands looked like leather. He had a stringy ratty little beard.

I set the keg down. <clang>

The guy took one look at me in my Bermuda shorts and my A∑Φ letter sweatshirt. The letters were plaid. No, really. He said:

"God dam f*ing rich kids f*ing college students f*ing..."

I said "I'd like to return this keg."

"God dam f*ing rich kids f*ing college students f*ing..."

I said "Can I get my deposit back please?"

"God dam f*ing rich kids f*ing college students f*ing..."

Him: "Do you have a receipt?"

Me: "No."

"God dam f*ing rich kids f*ing college students f*ing..."

Me: <pause>

He hits a button on the cash register <ding>. He slaps a $10 bill down on the counter.

Me: "Thank you."

As we walked across the street, Andy says to me:

"Avram, I have to hand it to you - that was amazing, I'm really impressed. How did you keep your composure with that guy being such a colossal ass?"

Me: "What could I do? He had me over a barrel."

[Tigger]

Another sniglet ...

Ignasecond. The amount of time that passes before you realize that you just locked the keys in the car.