I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[BeauV]

Some humor is just too good not to share... So I thought we needed a thread in which to share it. From an old friend this morning which caused me to chortle embarrassingly.

Steven Wright's Oldies but Goodies

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning,
and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite -


35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[kimbottles]

SWMBO and I are chortling with you Beau......

[cap10ed]

You all know how this works now. 24

[Jamie]

I always chuckle over this one:

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

23. My bus came and I sat down next to this beautiful blonde Chinese girl. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Hello." And I said, "Isn't it an amazing day?" And she said, "Yes, it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean, you guess?" She said, "Well, things haven't been going too well for me lately." I said, "like what?" She said, " I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Yeah, but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute, total stranger on a bus." She said, "Well, I just came back from my analyst, and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" She paused and said, "I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys." And she said, "By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

[bob perry]

I'm Shane Neuman.

[Orestes Munn]

You all know how this works now. 24

It's all in the delivery.

[BeauV]

You guys should NOT encourage me:

===================

The Scottish Cow

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland!"

[BeauV]

Not to pick on the Scots - here's one for the Canadians:

==================

One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket and watched as the three Newfies bought just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Albertans. "Be watchin and learnin," answered one of the Newfies.

All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the three Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.. The Albertans saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked a perplexed Albertan.
"Be watchin and learnin," answered the three Newfie boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding. The Newfie knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[Orestes Munn]

Dae ye ken whit Scots burds pit behin' their lugs tae make themselves attractife?

Their ankles!

[kdh]

Steven Wright's Oldies but Goodies

...he's the famouserudite scientist...

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

A scientist should know that half the people are below the median, not the average, in general.

[Orestes Munn]

Steven Wright's Oldies but Goodies

...he's the famouserudite scientist...

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

A scientist should know that half the people are below the median, not the average, in general.

However, I believe the term, average, can refer to median as well as mean (and--who knows?--maybe other measures of central tendency) in its wider definition.

[kdh]

Steven Wright's Oldies but Goodies

...he's the famouserudite scientist...

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

A scientist should know that half the people are below the median, not the average, in general.

However, I believe the term, average, can refer to median as well as mean (and--who knows?--maybe other measures of central tendency) in its wider definition.

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

[Orestes Munn]

A scientist should know that half the people are below the median, not the average, in general.

However, I believe the term, average, can refer to median as well as mean (and--who knows?--maybe other measures of central tendency) in its wider definition.

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

I say shit like that all the time.

[JoeP]

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

"Honey, that man thinks our friends are underneath the middle of the highway".

[kimbottles]

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

"Honey, that man thinks our friends are underneath the middle of the highway".

Some of them might be.......

[BeauV]

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

"Honey, that man thinks our friends are underneath the middle of the highway".

Some of them might be.......

In New Jersy there are lots of 'em.

[kdh]

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

I say shit like that all the time.

I like you, Eric. And all the people you say that to that don't think you're a douche.

[Orestes Munn]

Not to mention that "Half the people you know are below the median" would make him sound like a douche.

I say shit like that all the time.

I like you, Eric. And all the people you say that to that don't think you're a douche.

Well, that makes me happy, Keith. I hope we have the chance to meet, along with our even more entertaining spouses, some time.

[kdh]

I say shit like that all the time.

I like you, Eric. And all the people you say that to that don't think you're a douche.

Well, that makes me happy, Keith. I hope we have the chance to meet, along with our even more entertaining spouses, some time.

I'd like that.

[BeauV]

Here's another one:

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and
even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student,
was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst
of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards
him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without
thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize
there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started
moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit
the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the
wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a
pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and
ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody
realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people
walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and
out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
said to the other....

Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[JoeP]

Good one Beau. I just told it to my daughter and we had a good laugh.

[kimbottles]

SWMBO is still laughing, ten minutes after I read it to her Beau!

[cap10ed]

A classic Beau. Humor is a big help on the ships to break the ice with the Skipper. I just have to make sure they are not Irish.

[BeauV]

Clever words

... I had to think about a few of these.

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate (I had to think about this one. . . but got it!)

6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

12. PARADOX: Two physicians!!

13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV!!

17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official!

[Jeff_H]

I always get Stephen Wright mixed up with Emo Williams:

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. - Emo Philips

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. - Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' - Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. - Emo Phillips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. - Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet. - Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. - Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. - Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. - Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories? - Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. - Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back. - Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. - Emo Phillips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. - Emo Philips

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" - Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference." - Emo Philips

[Jeff_H]

My favorite example of a Stephen Wright routine was one he did about get evicted from his appartment.

He started by saying that the apartment was very dark and depressing,
So he put in a skylight, which really pissed off the neighbors upstairs.
But that was not why he was evicted.
He was evicted for having pets....
He had a pony.
The pony was totally bald except for his mane and tail.
He was a victim of an electrolysis accident.
But it was okay, they were able to make money renting the pony out to Hari Krishna birthday parties.

[BeauV]

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

[BeauV]

But wait, there's more. From Mr. Leno:



"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to
get audited by the IRS."

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans -
now we have one."

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has
to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to
close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company.
The doors will be shut in a month."

Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in
the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not
knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS."

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the
subject."

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually
going through everybody's phone calls and records."

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the
fifth."

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told
you so!'"

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya
are now saying he's 100% American. That's how bad it's gotten."

[BeauV]

Here's another dose - this is a little different in that it's visual. For many years I worked in Asia for a couple of weeks a year, visiting companies in remote areas of China, Viet Nam and Thailand. These signs bring back some very fond memories of the Asians and Americans getting to know each other a little.....

http://www.buzzfeed.com/nataliemorin/chinese-signs-that-got-seriously-lost-in-tranlsation

Here's a sample:

[SloopJonB]

Those are great - thanks. "Fuck the duck" - a new one for daily use.

My all time favourite translation error was the old "Pepsi Comes Alive" campaign - it was reported at the time that in Hong Kong it was translated as "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave".