I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[BeauV]

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home.

In Glasgow there's a wee place called McTavish's.
The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion,
the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favourite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when
you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid,
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me
sister quite a few times."

[Lin]

Thanks for the chuckles all ....some great ones added.

[Lin]

Pun fun...

[IrieMon]

A few new ones...... (and some re-used ones...)

[Orestes Munn]

I have seen someone yell "PORT!". It was a local barrister of the voluble, blonde, and female variety, with a build like Gorilla Monsoon. That was about the only time I ever saw someone get fired from that boat after one race,

[floating dutchman]

Some of the European Dingy sailors call Port (maybe others too, I don't know)

It's to say your on port.

[BeauV]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[kimbottles]

that sounds like Romo to me......

[BeauV]

Movie Advertisements:

The Wizard of Oz (8-10pm, TCM) -- Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

[BeauV]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York ..
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.......





Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled....... "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!

[Lin]

Clever puppy!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/01/10/hidden-camera-beagle-chicken-nuggets_n_4573808.html

[SloopJonB]

They are smart little guys! I like the way it moved the chair more than anything.

Lin - do you remember a few years ago when the family in Deep Cove came home to find a small black bear sitting on their kitchen counter eating a couple of pies that had been left out to cool?

[Lin]

They are smart little guys! I like the way it moved the chair more than anything.

Lin - do you remember a few years ago when the family in Deep Cove came home to find a small black bear sitting on their kitchen counter eating a couple of pies that had been left out to cool?

I think that beagle is right pawed. Everything that required dexterity, he moved around so that he could use his right forepaw to do it.

That sounds familiar about the bear and pies. My girlfriend lives in North Vancouver.A couple years ago, she was sitting in her hot tub on the back deck when a black bear wandered into her yard to take a dump.

Lots of stories like this as bears lose their habitat and humans get careless with garbage & food disposal.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2011/09/30/video-black-bear-steals-pizza-from-b-c-restaurant/

[Lin]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[BeauV]

OK, Lin, you got me! I was not expecting that!!!

==============================

Here's one for you all,

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

[cap10ed]

The Australian lesson:

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victoria
Bitter beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a
service station for fuel where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt
was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger
window, and said in a sexy voice:

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading
sex for beer?"


I thought for a few seconds and asked:
"What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[BeauV]

ED! that was a 10.0 Well done!

[Jamie]

Best one sentence description of yacht racing I've heard in a while....

It's your skill against the other guys luck and the race officers are cnuts.

...As mentioned to me by the RC Officer of the day.

[BeauV]

Supposedly a "true" story:

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call of a woman unexpectedly giving childbirth at her home. The house was very dark (with the electric disabled), so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy, so he could see while he delivered the baby.

Very diligently, 3 year old Kathleen did exactly as she was asked. Mommy pushed, and pushed, and after a little while Kathleen’s baby brother, Connor, was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, spanked him on his bottom, and Connor began to cry. The paramedic thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his ass again!"

[SloopJonB]

Reminded me of Rodney Dangerfields line - "When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother"

[BeauV]

I don't normally go in for political comics, but this one really tickled me:

[SloopJonB]

Now that's just unkind - everyone knows she can only see Siberia from her deck.

[Ish]

Now that's just unkind - everyone knows she can only see Siberia from her deck.

That old ionospheric refraction works some days better than others.

[floating dutchman]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mUFXFe765I[/youtube]

[BeauV]

Caption Contest:



We've given the tactician a special place on board where he's well out of the way.

[Ish]

"Can't he just use the head like everyone else?"

[Lin]

"What does it rate with him there?"

[cap10ed]

Hey Beau some one scratched the varnish right here. No really have a look !!

[SloopJonB]

Do you guys know you've picked up a wakerider?

[BeauV]

I love the bowman on the white boat trying to get the attention of the helmsman to say "We're on the starting line! Pay attention!" while everyone is looking at the Bait being trolled for shark off of the black boat.

I also LOVE the way that no one on the black boat seems to realize what they are towing!!