I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SloopJonB]

Thanks Jamie. "Growing Up" is a wonderful book, too.

I was lucky enough to hear Buckminster Fuller speak at a high school graduation in the mid 70's. Seems he generally refused all graduation speech opportunities but would accept one when he felt like it. This was a tiny alternative school (Stowe School- VT) where my younger brother was graduating in a class of maybe 20. Bucky stands up and just looks out and after about a minute says "I love this moment, I have no idea what I'm going to say", and then he spoke for over 2 hours until in desperation the headmaster asked him to stop (The parents were freezing, they were well dressed up in a cold Vermont field in May- the students were all in down). Startled, Bucky agreed and then went on for another 15 minutes, stopped mid sentence and sat down to relieved applause and a standing ovation from the kids and a few of us. I don't remember every word, but he basically predicted the internet, information being everywhere and free. Told the kids this was final exam time for mankind. I can see him standing there today.

That would have been a talk to listen to. He was so, so far ahead of the times.

He and/or Arthur C. Clarke would probably be at the top of my list of people I would like to have heard speak - both of them lived about a century in the future. They are also sort of like Tesla in that they don't get nearly the credit they are due for their ideas that we now rely on so totally. Tesla seems to finally be starting to get some recognition from the general public - at least name recognition if not the credit he is due.

[BeauV]

[Tucky]

Sailing related, Bucky's family owned Bear Island in Penobscot Bay (for those that have read "One Morning In Maine", not far from McClosky's Island). He developed a set of oars that allowed him to row facing forwards.

[BeauV]

“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my seven year old son Little Johnny…” Bob replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it;
it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

“I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that.
The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

“It’s not,” said the man. "The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

[BeauV]

[BeauV]

DO YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE?

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship
with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your
husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband: "I love you, sweetheart." Then, the women were then told to
exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they
received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???

[cap10ed]

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box ,
"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

[BeauV]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix..

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

[SloopJonB]

Letter To a Men's Helpline


Ted speaking, how can I help you?

Hi Ted, My name is Dave & I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.

I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.

When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[SloopJonB]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?!?"

[Anomaly]

What do redheads, strippers and unicorns have in common? You can all thank me later:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

Note that this isn't sexist at all---- if you watch it till the very end, you will see that they address the female decision matrix too.

[BeauV]

[Tigger]

As one smart ass said, 'Gonna think twice about buying game-worn items!'

http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/nhl/rob ... -1.2833378

[SloopJonB]

What is it about that Kardashian pig? Are peoples lives so empty that they have nothing better to do than follow the mindless meanderings of a woman who's sole attribute seems to be a huge ass?

[floating dutchman]

New form that appeared on the work notice board:

hurt feeling.PDF

[Jamie]

How to Talk Australians. Have you guys seen this series? The jokes going both ways are hilarious....at least in my infantile sense of humor.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQRZXM-4xI[/youtube]

[floating dutchman]

How to Talk Australians. Have you guys seen this series? The jokes going both ways are hilarious....at least in my infantile sense of humor.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQRZXM-4xI[/youtube]

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE-al0xSFJo[/youtube]
Fark thats some funny shit!

[BeauV]

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[cap10ed]

We all suffer from this virus.

[Jamie]

Did you hear that the guy who developed autocorrect died?






His funny will be hello on We'd day.


Ta'dum-dah!

[Orestes Munn]

New form that appeared on the work notice board:

hurt feeling.PDF

Appears to be based on this US Army form.

http://www.redonkulas.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/DA-FORM-IMTWF1.pdf

[BeauV]

[cap10ed]

Nice one Beau. We were spared the Buffalo snow storm by luck of geography and SW winds.

[BeauV]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.As the bartender gives her the drink she says'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[Lin]

This is always a good source to inspire mirth. Some funny ones added, since my last visit.

[Tim OConnell]

A typical Irish comment:
"You'll regret it 'til the day you die, if you ever live that long"

[Soñadora]

Finnish proverb:

"You only die once"

[Soñadora]

ok, this COMPLETELY messed with my head. Almost sent me to the hospital.

http://smallmailman.wordpress.com/2010/ ... arent-css/

don't worry if you know nothing about the content, just start at the top and slowly read down to the bottom. Focus on the letters and the words.

if you're not familiar with what 'flashers' and 'floaters' are, read up.

It took me a while to figure out what was happening.

[Ish]

ok, this COMPLETELY messed with my head. Almost sent me to the hospital.

http://smallmailman.wordpress.com/2010/ ... arent-css/

don't worry if you know nothing about the content, just start at the top and slowly read down to the bottom. Focus on the letters and the words.

if you're not familiar with what 'flashers' and 'floaters' are, read up.

It took me a while to figure out what was happening.

I don't get it. Of course, because I have

Detachment of the jelly-like “vitreous” from the retina. Detachement of the innermost light-sensitive layer of the eye is the most common cause of floaters and flashes. Posterior vitreous detachment occurs naturally as we get older, typically around ages 55 to 60. When it occurs in one eye, it usually follows in the other.

in both eyes big time, I'm used to seeing the world in a somewhat more enhanced way. I also saw the world in many other enhanced ways in my youth, so I'm naturally resistant to it now.

[Orestes Munn]

ok, this COMPLETELY messed with my head. Almost sent me to the hospital.

http://smallmailman.wordpress.com/2010/ ... arent-css/

don't worry if you know nothing about the content, just start at the top and slowly read down to the bottom. Focus on the letters and the words.

if you're not familiar with what 'flashers' and 'floaters' are, read up.

It took me a while to figure out what was happening.

Sorry. Don't get it, whatever it is.