I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SloopJonB]

A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home early from a friend’s house, hears, and hides in the closet.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that $hit again.”

[cap10ed]

A guy was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: " NO I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the guy, he was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw around with people".

[BeauV]

First, ya'll have to understand that I was educated during my early years, at least as much as anyone could educate me then, on Lookout Mt. in Tennessee. Thus, my nic-name of Beau. As a result, I've always had a fondness for jokes like these here.


Florida:

“A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”

The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.



Georgia:

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”


Louisiana:

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .

”When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”



Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”

Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”

The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”



North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”

The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”

The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”



Tennessee (And my favorite)

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”

The driver replied, “Bout whut?”



Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”



Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

[Panope]

In heaven, The French are the cooks, the Germans are the engineers and the British are the cops.

In hell, the Germans are the cops, the British are the cooks, and the French are the engineers.

[SloopJonB]

In heaven, The French are the cooks, the Germans are the engineers, the British are the cops, the Italians are the lovers and it's all organized by the Swiss.

In hell, the Germans are the cops, the British are the cooks, the French are the engineers, the Swiss are the lovers and it's all organized by the Italians.

The unedited version.

[Rasp]

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.

Beau, I watched a very good documentary about Southern cooking and it raised the point that you never hear anybody talk or even mention 'Northern Cooking'.

My family is from up on the Tennessee River where it dip down into North Alabama, Sand Mountain to be exact. Runs parallel to Lookout Mountain so we were neighbors at some time. Bob had never been in the South until we all met up at Pacific Seacraft in Washington, NC and it was fun to observe Bob's first visit to a proper NC BBQ joint. Since then he and I have had some conversations about the Deep South and I sent him this link to a song about the three Great Alabama Icons. You can probably relate.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MIztbe1_e8



Such is the duality of the Southern Thing!

[BeauV]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

[Lin]

Good one, Beau!

[cap10ed]

Chinese Wedding Night


A young Chinese couple gets married. She''s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back,"I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69..."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, "You want ... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

[BeauV]

A German coffee company ad that ran on their TV stations, it would probably be banned here:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/embed/4BMUC4Yb4z4?rel=0[/youtube]

[Ish]

Sometimes this board software and Youtube just don't quite click...

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w94CYd5SjuU[/youtube]

[cap10ed]

Rum & Coke

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's ..

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[cap10ed]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger
than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[BeauV]

Cap'n Ed - I like that one a LOT!

Here's another:

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been
drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all
day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that
he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt there after.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks
the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested. The Englishman answers With humour: No! Do you know that this is a British
car and that my wife is the driver... on the other side???

[BeauV]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

“Computer really screwed up now.”

[SloopJonB]

I don't know if this is real. but I hope so.

SeanConnery.jpg

[Lin]

For those who are battling the crazy cold weather.

It’s so cold that lawyers are putting their hands in their own pockets.

It's so cold you literally have a cold shoulder.

It's so cold that even members of Congress couldn't get into a heated argument.

It's so cold out the hitchhikers are holding up signs with pictures of thumbs.

Its so cold out I saw a Republican and Democrat huddled up together. They both agreed it was cold out.

It was so cold, kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pyjamas haven't thawed out yet!"

[Tim OConnell]

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:

“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

“Computer really screwed up now.”

ROFL

[BeauV]

MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California or Pennsylvania would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Ish]

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

You would be amazed at how many people buy mismatched sets of shoes, on purpose...because their feet are not a well matched set. I'd say 10% of the shoes at West were deliberately mismatched by customers, and they get really hostile when you point out to them that if they want two different shoe sizes, they are going to have to buy both pair...

[Soñadora]

Naughty dogs!



http://www.negpoz.com/30-naughtiest-dog ... e-cracked/

[SloopJonB]

Priceless! We experienced #7 one Christmas night when we got home after dinner with the family.

[Lin]

This made me chuckle ....

[Ish]

This made me chuckle ....

Caught Anne's funny bone. "I love it!"

[Lin]

This made me chuckle ....

Caught Anne's funny bone. "I love it!"

I was in a goofy mood and it struck my funny bone when I first saw it, too. Hi to Anne for me

[The Red Lady]

Is the "Zone of Embarrassment" Like the Cone of Shame???

[Soñadora]

"Nice Jibe, guess we'll go this way."

I have never, ever, ever said that.

[Olaf Hart]

"Nice Jibe, guess we'll go this way."

I have never, ever, ever said that.

What, are you going to jibe back or something?

[JoeP]

Well if you didn't whack everybody the first time you might as well.

[floating dutchman]

Come on, seamanship is about thinking on your feet.

"yea, I meant to do that" Is all you have to say.

Jeroen