I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[JoeP]

Early attempts at On the Water Referreeing met with limited success.

[Panope]

The man in the water is a Frenchman named Jordanie Serie De'rogue.

Steve

[LarryHoward]

Early attempts at On the Water Referreeing met with limited success.

Would that be an on the spot drag penalty. For a simple P/S, the tactician drags. For minor contact, the tactician and main trimmer, and so on.

[BeauV]

It occurred to be that they might be early to the line and have needed to burn off a little speed: (In a Monty Python accent)

"Mainsheet trimmer!"

"Aye, sir!"

"We're early. Deploy the Tactician!!"

"Aye Aye, Sir!" SPLOSH! "Tactician deployed, SIR!"

[Orestes Munn]

Forget it Percy, I can't get the name off before the start. You're just going to have to acknowledge that protest.

[BeauV]

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong for me to wind in the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?

==============

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends.
And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP,
so.......it is time to shut UP!

[BeauV]

WARNING - MANY OF THESE JOKES ARE ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE

which is why I enjoy them.

================================

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that "Mexicans" is not the correct answer either.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the latest bomber-jackets.

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people porn, you sick b..tard."

[Ish]

To follow on with that theme:

I think my wife died. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.

[BeauV]

CLEVER WORDS

1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate.

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living.

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
20 cents

[SloopJonB]

I've seen a couple of good signs recently.

One was a wall plaque that read "I Love You More Than Bacon".

The other was in a butcher's window, it read "Money CAN buy happiness - you can buy bacon with it".

[cap10ed]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house rather than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a
lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done
a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town
and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town that Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned at two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.Now take off my boots."He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[Lin]

I asked another Canadian woman I know, if she ever curled. She said something along the lines of "If I wanted to scrub a floor while being yelled at, I would have stayed with my ex-husband!"

[Britches]

I asked another Canadian woman I know, if she ever curled. She said something along the lines of "If I wanted to scrub a floor while being yelled at, I would have stayed with my ex-husband!"

awesome!

[BeauV]

Capn-Ed and Lin - you two made my day - now back to bbsitting. BV

[Tucky]

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

I got a little nervous when Beau started in on the homo thing, but it turned out ok. I was a little nervous that we were headed for gay, queer, dyke and faggot jokes, NTTAWWT.

The curling joke is more up my alley, I can work with that one.

[BeauV]

Spelling errors can ruin your life.

A husband sent an email from Paris after a week at a convention:

Conference is going great. The food and wine here are amazing. We're having a wonderful time. Wish you were her.

He returned home to find his "stuff" in a pile on the sidewalk....

[SloopJonB]

Spelling, punctuation and grammar all count.

Importance of punctuation 1.jpg

Importance of punctuation 2.jpg

[The Red Lady]

Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning.
A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym.

Here is one I learned in Japanese class: Just like English Homographs, Hasi is pronounced differently and means something different each time.

Hasimoto ga hasi wo motte hasi no hasi ni iru

Mr. Hashimoto, while holding chopsticks, ran to the edge of the bridge.

HAshi - chopsticks
haSHI - Edge
hashi - bridge

[cap10ed]

A man sees a sign outside a house - "Talking Dog For Sale."
'He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals". "Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says. "
"Ten Quid! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

[Lin]

LOL ....good one Ed!

[BeauV]

The Golden Urinal

Several days after Stephen Harper was first elected Prime Minister, he went
over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could
use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see
That Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!

The next day, Harper told his wife, Laureen about the urinal in Clinton 's
private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should
get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a
bit too self-indulgent... even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Laureen had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary
how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that
Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[cap10ed]

Wow . Most excellent Beau. I"ll pass that along to the buddy's

[Tigger]

One day, Hette approaches her Rabbi after the service and says to him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the Rabbi asks.

"They only know how to say, 'Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'"

"Why, that's terrible!" the Rabbi says, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house tomorrow and I will put them with my two male talking parrots that I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Oh thank you, Rabbi," Hette replies.

The next day Hette brings her female parrots to the Rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in their cage. Hette puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hello, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have been answered!"

[Soñadora]

A man went to a therapist for anxiety.
"Doc, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes...I think I'm a wigwam."
The doctor is perplexed by this and makes a note of it.
"Then....I think I'm a teepee!"
"A teepee!?" The doctor exclaims and makes a note of it.
"Yeah. Then, I think I'm a wigwam again....then a teepee...then a wigwam!...then a teepee!!!"
The doctor makes more notes then looks up.
"Aha! I've got it! Your problem is that you are two tents!"

[Lin]

Rick, good one. I was just enjoying my morning coffee and grinning. Enjoying the range of humor, from silly to clever.

[cap10ed]

Morning wisdom moment.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[BeauV]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did.·

"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you."

[BeauV]

ANOTHER CAPTION CONTEST opportunity:

[Ish]

ANOTHER CAPTION CONTEST opportunity:

"Ease the main! Don't stall the rudder! Fuck I really want a coach boat."

[Lin]

Ed & Beau, good ones.

Sailing funnies ...