I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[SloopJonB]

I was just going for a weekend in Montreal.

You cannot believe how much all this shit costs. But better safe than sorry.

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables


I looked like a fucking idiot on the bus this morning

[cap10ed]

Brilliant SloopJon.

[Tigger]

Brilliant SloopJon.

No poutine and maple syrup?

[Jamie]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. There’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims, "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me." "Not a chance", Satan replies, "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!" God insists, "Send him back or I’ll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Ish]

This one got me giggling...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhg7Xm4FXAY

[Cherie320]

This one got me giggling...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhg7Xm4FXAY

A bit dull.... oh, that was cute.... ha,ha,haaaa........? wow, that was a threat..... thanks for sharing this one! Pat

[Olaf Hart]

Our best Christmas Cracker Joke for 2014.

Why is 6 Afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9 !

[Olaf Hart]

Happy New Year to all on Scantlings

[BeauV]

Happy New Year everyone!!

[cap10ed]

Happy New Year everyone!!

Happy New Years.

[Ish]

A happy and soul-satisfying New Year to all.

[Orestes Munn]

Yup, yup, happy 2015. May we never have it any worse!

[Cherie320]

May 2015 be best for everyone. Happy new year and thank you all for a wonderful 2014! Pat and Nancy

[JoeP]

Best wishes to all for a Happy New Year!

[Tigger]

Here's to another year of friends in far-flung places and messing about in boats!

[cap10ed]

Scottish Golf Club Instructions
1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

[cap10ed]

Another one to keep you in good spirits:

Painful, but understandable story as told by a loving blonde
wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a
praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dennis, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and
the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they imagine the pain that poor Dennis must have experienced.
"Dennis was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and
every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of
Dennis's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dennis'.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dennis is
out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum
should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and
tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Dennis." The entire congregation held its breath. "I
just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

[SloopJonB]

Superhero.jpg

[cap10ed]

Scottish Humour:

[viktor]

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Air Force base.



A grizzled old retired Navy fighter pilot, wearing a faded baseball cap emblazoned with a squadron patch, along with his tattered leather flight jacket with several more squadron and wing patches, was standing near the edge of the puddle with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.



A curious young Air Force fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
“Fishing”, the old Navy pilot simply said.
“Poor old fool. Another dumb Navy pilot” the Air Force officer thought. And so he invited the ragged old timer into the officer’s club for a drink.



Sipping his Chardonnay white wine and watching the old Navy fighter jock drinking a Johnny Walker Black label scotch whiskey, he felt he should start some conversation. The haughty Air Force fighter pilot asked, “And how many have you caught?”



“You’re the eighth”, the old Navy pilot answered.

[kimbottles]

Excellent Russell!

[LarryHoward]

Excellent Russell!

This retired Navy Fighter Pilot will drink to that!

[cap10ed]

Might be a repeat but what the hey.





1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own
27. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[JoeP]

A perfect way to start the day. Thanks Ed!

[VALIS]

From The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/articles/lonesome-alito-declares-marriage-only-between-a-ma,37800/):

Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea
News in Brief • marriage • constitution • Supreme Court • News • ISSUE 51•03 • Jan 19, 2015

WASHINGTON—Reaffirming a deeply traditionalist definition of the institution of matrimony, Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito issued a statement Monday declaring that marriage can only strictly exist between a man and the tempestuous sea. “It is my opinion that the only constitutionally sanctionable union is composed of a seafaring man and the solitary life of fickle winds and brine-crested breakers,” said Alito, adding that any current law that fails to narrowly delineate marriage as a compact involving a man, the churning waves, and the sea-song of gulls in the early dawn is invalid according to the highest law of the land. “The principle of equal protection enshrined in the Constitution emphatically does not entitle the federal government or any state body to redefine this sacred maritime institution. The Founding Fathers recognized that the heart belongs to the tides and the deep alone—in both stormful days and calm waters.” Alito went on to say that marriage between a man and the sea must be preserved as such despite the fact that she can be a cruel mistress with little heed for what a forsaken old sailor wills.

[Bull City]

I hope this isn't a repeat, but...

In Heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell:
The police are French, the cooks are English, the lovers are German, and everything is organized by the Italians.

[Bull City]

This is mainly for Catholics...

Three priests, a Franciscan, a Dominican and a Jesuit are in a room. The lights go out. The Franciscan starts to pray for them to back on. The Dominican begins a discourse on the theological meanings of light and darkness. The Jesuit gets a flashlight and goes to check the fuse box (it is an old joke).

[Panope]

I hope this isn't a repeat, but...

In Heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell:
The police are French, the cooks are English, the lovers are German, and everything is organized by the Italians.

Correction: In hell, the Germans are the cops, and French are the engineers.

Steve

[floating dutchman]

I hope this isn't a repeat, but...

In Heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell:
The police are French, the cooks are English, the lovers are German, and everything is organized by the Italians.

Correction: In hell, the Germans are the cops, and French are the engineers.

Steve

What scares me is that our old French built ship is about to get replaced with an Italian built one.
The French one can boggle the mind sometimes.

[SloopJonB]

I hope this isn't a repeat, but...

In Heaven:
The police are English, the cooks are French, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Germans.

In Hell:
The police are French, the cooks are English, the lovers are German, and everything is organized by the Italians.

Correction: In hell, the Germans are the cops, and French are the engineers.

Steve

The unabridged version

Heaven

English police
French cooks
German mechanics
Italian lovers
Belgian bankers
Spanish dancers
Organized by the Swiss

Hell

English cooks
French mechanics
German police
Swiss lovers
Belgian dancers
Spanish bankers
Organized by the Italians