I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[JoeP]

apollo_speeches.png

[Orestes Munn]

apollo_speeches.png

Nothing out of the ordinary here. I've been on a cabinet secretary's staff.

[Rob McAlpine]

apollo_speeches.png

Nothing out of the ordinary here. I've been on a cabinet secretary's staff.

That's better than getting staph in a in a cabinet from a secretary.

Not that I'm an expert.

[Tigger]

That's better than getting staph in a in a cabinet from a secretary.

Or your wife finding her pants in your vestry, and your vest in her pantry.

[Orestes Munn]

apollo_speeches.png

Nothing out of the ordinary here. I've been on a cabinet secretary's staff.

That's better than getting staph in a in a cabinet from a secretary.

Not that I'm an expert.

I would have made a dirty pun on staff, not that I'm an expert.

[viktor]

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.



One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff



The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"



The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."



The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.



The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."



The Admiral threw him out also.



The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.



"Do you notice anything different about me?"



To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."



The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.


The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fuckin' ear."

[Ish]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."

[BeauV]

I've no idea if this is real, but it is REALLY funny!

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST
PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug
Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again). After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life..

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,
Alex

[SloopJonB]

Couldn't be - real life never gets that good.

[BeauV]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.



And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

[BeauV]

Sometimes, you just have to watch. No amount of description will do....

(Don't have anything in your mouth while watching this.)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX2Qfv5O634[/youtube]

[floating dutchman]

Along the vein Beau:

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XM5hbS7GlU[/youtube]

[SloopJonB]

Sometimes, you just have to watch. No amount of description will do....

(Don't have anything in your mouth while watching this.)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CX2Qfv5O634[/youtube]

Good thing she's pretty enough that someone will always look after her.

[BeauV]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burnt by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[BeauV]

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid flat green bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire. And so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage lasting several years and found his name missing from his home town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that.... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

7. A skeptical anthropologist was recording South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.

[JoeP]

Those are great Beau

[kimbottles]

Those are great Beau

No they are NOT (but Susan laughed at them!)

[Tigger]

Those are great Beau

It's just another Beau geste.

[SloopJonB]

Now THAT one IS good.

[floating dutchman]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zce-QT7MGSE

I know its stupid, But it made me laugh.

[SemiSalt]

One persons's experiences on the Charles Morgan in comic form:

https://medium.com/the-nib/down-to-the- ... 01117b922e

[cap10ed]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. 


 
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. 


 
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. 


 
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. 


 
While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.


 
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 


 
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.. Be strong, honey. I love you!' 


 
His wife responds: 


 
'He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.' 


 
'Be strong. I love you, too!'

 
 

[BeauV]

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
·

[BeauV]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[Cherie320]

http://archive.sailingscuttlebutt.com/p ... 1/grow.jpg

Just had to do it

[cap10ed]

http://archive.sailingscuttlebutt.com/photos/12/0921/grow.jpg

Just had to do it

Nice One.

[BeauV]

Happy St. Patrick's Day. Here's an appropriate video:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y07at1bU89Q[/youtube]

[JoeP]

That's great Beau. Nice one.

[BeauV]

For my friends in Canada:

[cap10ed]

Thx Beau a really handy chart. Lol