I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[Ish]

From someone called Dann Porter:

The Beerfort Scale

Force 0: Sails hanging limp. Tiller tends itself.

Force 1: Beginning pressure on sails. If sheet is eased out, the tiller still tends itself.

Force 2: Sails flapping in the breeze, and boat drifting to leeward. Sheets must be tightened and one hand put on the tiller. As the wind fills the sails, the boat heels. Case of beer must be placed on cockpit floor.

Force 3: The beer may be knocked over and must be supported or held in hand.

Force 4: Empty bottles rolling against each other on cockpit floor. Must be thrown over side.

Force 5: All beer streaming behind boat must be hauled in.

Force 6: Nobody can hold onto more than one beer at a time.

Force 7: The case of beer slides back and forth on cockpit floor. One person must be appointed to sit on it.

Force 8: Bottles can still be opened by one person. Beginning of difficulties pouring into the mouth without spilling.

Force 9: Bottle must be held with two hands. Only experts can get the cap off by themselves.

Force 10: Two people required to open bottles. Empties must be thrown to leeward only. Very difficult to find mouth. Some teeth may be knocked loose.

Force 11: The beer tends to foam out of bottle. Very difficult to drink. Lips split and teeth fall out.

Force 12: All open bottles foam. Impossible to drink. Temporary abstinence may be required.

[SloopJonB]

There is one error on that chart - at 35 we drive with the top down, not just the windows - eh?

[Cherie320]

Took my car into the dealer today and while I waited for the work to be done, there was time to read those car magazines they have set out for customers. There was a DIY article by Jay Leno that was interesting. Partly, because I like Jay's contribution to classic cars and partly because I was feeling guilty about not DIYing the repair on my car. Jay said he liked to work on his cars. He said he liked finding grey haired guys who knew how things worked and enjoyed doing the job right no mater how long it took. He made it clear that he was never a skilled mechanic. He did do new car prep when he was younger and used to work for a dealer as a speedometer calibrator. He says one day a guy came in with a Chevy that had about 88K on the odometer. The salesman gave Jay the car and told him to process it. They took it to the back shop and fired up the drill. He said they got it down to 15K miles in no time at all and had just put the car back together when the owner came busting in demanding his car. He said he could not deal with those sales, grabbed up the keys, jumped into the car, and drove off before they could stop him. About 2 hours later Jay saw him coming out of the showroom with a big smile. Seems that with only 15,000 miles on his car, he had no trouble working the deal he wanted.

[BeauV]

How to get to Heaven from Ireland :

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

'I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'

[IrieMon]

Ok - not real comical, but interesting in a wacky-Scantling kind of way....

[BeauV]

OK, I get the last two. What's the first one about? (Mark me down as a dunce this morning)

[BeauV]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this storeONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifthand sixth floors have never been visited

[Ish]

OK, I get the last two. What's the first one about? (Mark me down as a dunce this morning)

If you say the letters out loud, that's the alphabetical order they come out in. Aye, aitch, are...

[floating dutchman]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at a portrait that had them confused. The painting
depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench.

Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having
trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on and on explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.

"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed
by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irish man approached the couple and
said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator
of the Gallery?", asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there
is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Irish
coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[BeauV]

OK, I get the last two. What's the first one about? (Mark me down as a dunce this morning)

If you say the letters out loud, that's the alphabetical order they come out in. Aye, aitch, are...

Doh! Thanks - now I get it. I didn't think of "saying" it.... ;/

[IrieMon]

"Q" got me.... kept saying/spelling it as Queue versus Cue......

[BeauV]

Puns throughout history....

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
---------------------
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire…
and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
---------------------
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
---------------------
4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
----------------------
5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
----------------------
6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant.
The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).
-----------------------
7. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

[kimbottles]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

[floating dutchman]

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[BeauV]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

Already way WAY beyond help!

[floating dutchman]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

Already way WAY beyond help!

Well that's a concern, I think your doing just fine.

[Ish]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

Already way WAY beyond help!

Well that's a concern, I think your doing just fine.

That's because your antipodean. Up here on the right side, he's hopeless.

[floating dutchman]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

Already way WAY beyond help!

Well that's a concern, I think your doing just fine.

That's because your antipodean. Up here on the right side, he's hopeless.

Mmm, I'm going to have to stand on my head and think about that for a bit.

[JoeP]

With that sense of humor we need to get Beau some help.

Already way WAY beyond help!

Well that's a concern, I think your doing just fine.

That's because your antipodean. Up here on the right side, he's hopeless.

Mmm, I'm going to have to stand on my head and think about that for a bit.

Hi, my name is Joe and I'm a puntaholic, and loving every minute of it. Great post Beau.

[kimbottles]

You are all SICK!
SICK I tell you!




(.....keep them coming Beau, Susan loves them.....)

[Tigger]

I hear that Beau keeps all of his puns in his Treasure Jest.

[BeauV]

Stand back!!

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

The Rodent Club finished drafting their constitution, but it has yet to be ratified.

The podiatry book used footnotes while the proctology book used endnotes.

People who take a lot of selfies are just trying to save face.

It was really crowded at the diet dock's office but then it thinned out.

And to wrap it up....

When it comes to nourishment, a boa's best friend is his smother.

(I LOVE PUNS! That said, I don't deserve credit for most of these. This last burst from the harmless pun gun came from a web site dedicated to the "lowest form of humor" {attributed to William Shakespeare, an author who's identity has not been settled but who punned anon - baaboom crash] You can look here for more: http://www.punoftheday.com They even have a pun of the day.)

We could move to limericks:

A funny old bird is the pelican
His mouth can hold more than his belly can
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
And I'm damned if I know how the hell he can

[JoeP]

Thanks for the link Beau. My kids get me pun books for Christmas every year and then groan as I read them out loud. Must be some form of penance for them.

[SloopJonB]

My favourite limerick never even got finished.

It was on an episode of STNG - Data was at the helm and started with "There was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a..." at which point Picard snaps "Data" to stop him. Data gets a puzzled look on his face and Worf, who is sitting beside him mutters "I don't understand their humour either".

[IrieMon]

Not a joke/limerick/etc, but some interesting facts in the undisputed "Funniest Movie Ever Made"..... Monty Python and the Holy Grail.


In Japan, the film’s title is translated as “Monty Python and the Holy Sake Cup.”

The producers couldn’t afford real horses, so the old radio trick of knocking coconut shells together was used. It’s since become one of the film’s most famous gags.

Terry Jones noticed during a test screening that audiences weren’t laughing at the jokes that were accompanied by music. Jones decided to go back and edit out the music that was playing whenever a punchline was delivered. The trick worked because there was a noted increase in laughter during those gags.

Some of the money Pink Floyd earned from their massive hit album “The Dark Side of the Moon” went to funding “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” because the members of the band were huge fans of “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

The image of God is actually a photograph of W.G. Grace, a famous 19th century English cricket player

A real white rabbit was used for the Killer Rabbit scene, and the animal was dyed with red liquid for the aftermath to represent the carnage it created. Unfortunately, the red dye could not be rinsed off, angering the rabbit’s owner. Other than that, the animal was not harmed during the making of the movie. Terry Gilliam has since stated that they should have just bought their own rabbit for the shoot.

[BeauV]

I guess this isn't like most of my terrible jokes, but I couldn't resist posting the first 10,000 digits of Pi sent in morse code. Kim Bottles, this is for you!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxQWqjGpY1Q[/youtube]

[kimbottles]

How cool!!

Number code practice!

The first couple of numbers were indeed Pi, including the decimal point, then I ran out of my knowledge of Pi, my code copy was fine.

[BeauV]

[viktor]

Hey Beau,
Two elderly vultures decided to skip the migration with the rest of their kind and booked a flight to Florida for the winter. when they arrived at the airport on the day of their departure,the ticket agent noticed they were each carrying two dead raccoons.
"Are you checking those raccons as luggage?"the airline employee asked.
"No", said the vultures "They'er Carrion."

[Orestes Munn]

Hey Beau,
Two elderly vultures decided to skip the migration with the rest of their kind and booked a flight to Florida for the winter. when they arrived at the airport on the day of their departure,the ticket agent noticed they were each carrying two dead raccoons.
"Are you checking those raccons as luggage?"the airline employee asked.
"No", said the vultures "They'er Carrion."

I once went to a fun meeting (at Google HQ of all places) where one of the other invitees was a woman who is the world's greatest living authority on whale ear anatomy. She flies out with an empty suitcase whenever there's a beaching and made the same joke.