I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[VALIS]

"No", said the vultures "They'er Carrion."

Back in the days of small suitcase-sized portable computers I saw a (Korean?) version at a consulting client's office. The name was proudly displayed on the zipper-bag in 2-inch high letters: "CARRION".

[BeauV]

The reason why cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work

[Lin]

Finally, the eggsact answer.

[cap10ed]

Retirement Sex for Retirees only

PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'


LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'


QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'



CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small', $6,500 for 'medium', and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him o talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'



WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '



WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.


ELDERLY SEX

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder. The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly.'

[Orestes Munn]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5uw2KmEEANg[/youtube]

[Jamie]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QACSo5xk3dE[/youtube]

[BeauV]

Note sure where to put this, so it goes here:

"Note to self: Do not empty hot bacon grease into trash (seeking to avoid clogging drains) and then do the time honored "guy task" of taking the trash out. Hot oil has a negative impact on the tensile strength of the plastic bag. Geeesh!!!"

[LarryHoward]

Note sure where to put this, so it goes here:

"Note to self: Do not empty hot bacon grease into trash (seeking to avoid clogging drains) and then do the time honored "guy task" of taking the trash out. Hot oil has a negative impact on the tensile strength of the plastic bag. Geeesh!!!"

That's why you are a techie, not an engineer......

[Tigger]

Note sure where to put this, so it goes here:

"Note to self: Do not empty hot bacon grease into trash (seeking to avoid clogging drains) and then do the time honored "guy task" of taking the trash out. Hot oil has a negative impact on the tensile strength of the plastic bag. Geeesh!!!"

Clearly, Beau does not live in a place where bears have been known to roam the streets!

[BeauV]

HEY! I'm an engineer! I'm a Software Engineer. (Ya, I know, those aren't "real" Engineers)

[floating dutchman]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rp8hvyjZWHs[/youtube]

[cap10ed]

Clever piece.

[Blackbird]

There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had two things of two different sizes
One was quite small;
Almost nothing at all
And the other was big and won prizes

[Blackbird]

Practice safe eating.








Always use a condiment.

[Jamie]

My kind of technical drawings...who says the gubment is useless?

[JoeP]

the_bdlpswdks_effect.png

[Orestes Munn]

the_bdlpswdks_effect.png

Dragged and dropped onto my desktop.

[JoeP]

antique_factory.png

[BeauV]

Hypnotist at a Senior Home

Claude the Hypnotist was invited to perform at a Senior Home
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.
And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"
"S**T" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens ' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

[SemiSalt]

"Jack Shaw, who had always looked down on what he called the 'gin and tiller set' , used to tell his son that you should never trust the owner of a boat that has patio doors."

From At Death's Window by Jim Kelly

[Lin]

A few folks in here will appreciate this. Not naming names. :p

[SemiSalt]

Compare and contrast:

French Man O'War



Portuguese Man O'War



Brought to mind by http://brick.shorebeat.com/2015/06/dangerous-man-o-war-jellyfish-found-on-ocean-county-beach/.

[SemiSalt]

Did you ever hear anyone say that they couldn't bend their mast because it was as thick as a telephone pole?

Bent Pole.jpg

[BeauV]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their mobile phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart." The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text messages they received, in response.

*Here are some of the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f**k did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she???

[Orestes Munn]

Icelandic rental vehicle driven by Asian tourists.

IMG_0467.jpg

[JoeP]

pluto.png

Courtesy XKCD

[Orestes Munn]

Someone evidently got theyself a picture of the back of my head. I need to start using a higher SPF.

[Ish]

Someone evidently got theyself a picture of the back of my head. I need to start using a higher SPF.

I was going to say it looked a lot like one of my gallstones. If I had one. The mapmaker missed "Bat Country".

[cap10ed]

Yuseff wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Yuseff got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'
The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'
Yuseff said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

[BeauV]

Now that I live on a golf course, I'm hearing all the golf jokes to go with my sailing jokes:

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.