I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[LarryHoward]

Heaven Saint Peter had a terrible cold and fever and didn't think he would last the day minding the Pearly Gates of Heaven. So he phoned Jesus to ask for the day off. "Why, Peter," Jesus said. "You know your health is my first concern. Take as much time as you need." As Jesus pondered who he might use to replace Peter, he decided to handle the job himself. It was a very slow day and no one approached the Gates until late in the afternoon, when in the distance, Jesus saw a bent, white-haired old man slowly making his way up the path with the aid of a gnarled cane. As the man neared, Jesus said, "Good afternoon, sir. How may I help you?" "Well," replied the man, "I was hoping to enter the Gates of Heaven." "We would certainly love to have you," said Jesus, "but we do have certain rules as to who can enter Heaven. Tell me, what have you done to deserve such an honor?" "Actually, I have done nothing so wonderful myself," said the man. "I lived in a small town and led a simple life as a carpenter. But my son," he continued, "now HE was special!" With pride in his voice he said, "I raised him to be a carpenter like myself and did my best to teach him right from wrong. And when he grew older, an amazing transformation overcame him and to this day he's known throughout the world and loved by all alike." As Jesus listened to the story, a sense of recognition came to him. With a lump in his throat and a tear in his eye, he threw open his arms and cried, "Father!" Emotional at this outburst, the old man threw open his arms and yelled, "Pinocchio?"

[Orestes Munn]

That was one of my mother's favorites. Well told and thank you so much for reminding me of it.

[Tigger]

For the sake of the joke ....

It just so happened that Ogden Nash and Robert Frost died on the same day and appeared at the Pearly Gates together.

Saint Peter informed them that there was a one-poet-a-day quota, and he would somehow have to choose which one ... so he asked them to compose a poem that ended with 'Timbuktu'.

Frost was first:

As I walked along the rocky shore
I paused, to hear the ocean roar
A sailing ship hove into view
Outward bound, for Timbuktu

Saint Peter was just ready to send Frost in when Nash appeared with his entry:

When Tim and I a-walking went
We spied three maidens in a tent
Since they were three, and we but two
I bucked one, and Timbuktu

[JoeP]

driving.png

[LarryHoward]

driving.png

Nice!

[BeauV]

CURTAIN RODS

He spent the first day following his
divorce packing his belongings into
boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come
and collect his things.


On the third day, he sat down for the last
time at their beautiful dining room table
by candle-light, put on some
soft background music, and
feasted on a Kilo of shrimp, a jar of caviar,
and a bottle of spring-water.

When he had finished, he went into
each and every room and deposited a few
Half-eaten
shrimp shells dipped in caviar
into the hollow of the curtain
rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen
and left.

When his ex returned with
her new partner, all
was bliss for the first few
days. Then slowly, the
house began to smell. They
tried everything;
cleaning, mopping and
airing the place out.
Vents were checked for
dead rodents and carpets
were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which they had to
move out for a few days and
in the end they even paid
to replace the expensive
wool carpeting. Nothing worked !!
People stopped coming over to
visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any
longer and decided to move.
A month
later, even though they
had cut their price in half,
they could not find a a
buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and
eventually even the local Realtors refused to
return their calls.

They had to borrow a huge sum of money from the
bank to purchase a new place.

The ex called and asked her how
things were going.

She told him the saga of the rotting
house. He listened politely and said that he
missed his old home terribly and asked if they
would be willing to reduce their divorce
settlement in exchange for him getting the house.

Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was,
they agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been
worth, but only if he were to sign the papers
that very day.

He agreed and within the hour his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex and her partner stood
smiling as they watched the moving Company
pack everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite her ex-husband,
they even took the curtain rods !!

I JUST LOVE A HAPPY
ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[BeauV]

A Religious Story


A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[LarryHoward]

A Religious Story


A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[kimbottles]

Beau has the BEST stories!!

[Bull City]

This is not politically motivated on my part. I thought Donald Trump had funny hair way before he went into politics:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sarahburton/min ... .ov7OqPKDy

[SloopJonB]

It's just a comb-over only in his case it's a comb-forward. I'm pretty sure if he gets caught in a breeze it'll flap behind him like some sort of bizarre cape flowing from the crown of his head.

His hair alone should disqualify him from public office.

[viktor]

So, I was walking through
the mall in Chicago and
I saw that there was a "Muslim
Book Store." I was wondering
what exactly was in a Muslim
bookstore, so I went in.

As I was wandering around
taking a look, the clerk stopped
me and asked if he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his
normal clientele, so I asked,
"Do you have a copy of
Donald Trump's book on his U.S.
Immigration Policy regarding
Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "Fuck off, get out
and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you
have it in paperback?"

[BeauV]

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Angus MacPherson died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read.......'Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale'."

[BeauV]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had.. an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.

[cap10ed]

A Religious Story


A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

Over the top funny.

[Jamie]

[BeauV]

So I'm sitting at a bar in San Francisco and there are two rather large women just down the way. I detect an accent and say: "Are you ladies from Scotland?"

"It's Wales, you bloody bastard!" one of them responds

"OK," I said, correcting myself, "Are you whales from Scotland?"

I woke up in the ambulance, on idea what happened.....

[cap10ed]

Subject: Ethical Dilemma

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it..

You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
whispering:

"You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard"

[BeauV]

Captain' Ed - You got a CoffeeOutTheNose from that one!! Well done! Now to clean off the keyboard. BV

[floating dutchman]

This is the honest truth!



TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,

then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

[Ish]

This is the honest truth!



TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint?

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,

then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet!

Do you want a Golden Retriever hip or a German Shepherd hip? I think the poodle hips are going to be a little on the small side.

[BeauV]

Only the Irish:


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
-------------------------------------


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

---------------------------------------------


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda. No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

---------------------------------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that is terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he request, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun…'"

[Tigger]

And it's not even April Fools ... Vancouver is going to get pounded by a big what this weekend?

http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2015/10/big- ... g-weekend/

[BeauV]

[Ish]

And it's not even April Fools ... Vancouver is going to get pounded by a big what this weekend?

http://www.vancitybuzz.com/2015/10/big- ... g-weekend/

I doubt there's going to be much of a whack judging by the latest track. Oho has been curving away from us for the past couple of days.

[SloopJonB]

Now that IS evil!

[Bull City]

I remember reading The Exorcist in 1973 or 4. I recall starting it on a Friday or Saturday, and not stopping until I finished it sometime the next day. Never saw the movie, though. I'll have to put it on my queue.

[cap10ed]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Bull City]

^^ Very good!

[BeauV]

IRISH AIRLINE

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening
flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant for the Aer Lingus
cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there
has been a terrible mix-up just minutes prior to takeoff by our
airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we
have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner
meals were delivered to the plane. I truly apologize for this mistake
and inconvenience."

When the passengers' mutterings had died down, she continued…

"Anyone who would be kind enough to give up their meal so that
someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration
of our 5-hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later.

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available!"