Anger

[Orestes Munn]

I really wish I were better at expressing my displeasure with peoples' actions in real time and proportionately to the offense, instead of charging up for days and shorting out with a bang and sparks in the wrong situation. I also have the tendency to say yes when I should say no and getting pissed off at myself and the subject of my lenity.

How do you bosses let go of the need to be liked all the time? If there were one thing I could change about myself right now this would be it.

[BeauV]

OM,

I grew up with a dad like that, he'd be quite for months then BOOM!

Funny story: when I was 15 I was a "handful" (to say the least) and before banishing me to my maternal Grandfather'sk who was also a "handful" house to live for quite a while) we were sailing to Catalina on the family boat. I guess I was being a "handful" and at one point my Dad just walked up and tossed me overboard! Dad then proceeded to sail large circles around me while I treaded water, with my Mom saying I was going to drown and that a shark would eat me. He only let me aboard after I promised not to say a word for 12 hours.

I think that we're talking about a skill that needs to be learned, no one does to naturally as far as I can see. We decent folks, and I include myself only on the periphery of that group, always give the other person the benefit of the doubt. After a few decades I've discovered that letting it build up isn't a good idea. But we all know that. What I try to do is really be "in the moment" and think about what it is that someone is doing or saying at that moment. Then, say the best thing I can think of about that, and not the 38 other things that person has done that bug me.

The hardest person to do this with was my x-wife, whose responses to my comments were not proportional at all, at least in my opinion.

The other thing I've learned is that when I do blow up I need to apologize. That helps attenuate the negative effects, especially if the blow-up was public. Then the apology needs to be public the way I see it. Right after the apology I _then_ take the opportunity to list the 38 things explaining that the person has been driving me nuts and that was the reason I blew. (I suppose that's cheating on the apology

When you really figure this out, let us all know, as I don't know anyone who is really done learning "how".

[Orestes Munn]

Thanks, Beau. Both of my parents were a little like that. My mom would be all sweetness and self-sacrifice for months and then get so angry she would shut herself up in her room for days, then come out and then have terrible guilt. My father had no apparent insight into anything he did and would just blow up randomly for a few minutes and forget about it. No lasting hostility, no apology.

I'm a hybrid--I smolder like my mom, blow my stack spectacularly like my dad, and then get all apologetic and feel like the fool I am.

Fortunately, my wife, who has no such issues, and I worked out our problems long ago. I wish I could be as straight with the rest of the world.

[LarryHoward]

OM,

We are raised to avoid conflict (well, a lot of us are) and, as Beau says that means we tend to overlook a thousand small mistakes/misdeeds. Then comes the proverbial "Straw" that sends you over the edge. We all do it to some degree. As I have lived a life of being mentored and mentoring, I try to give open and honest feedback at regular intervals. If someone is regularly screwing up, I make it a point to call them in for a counselling session but always follow "Topgun Rules" and talk about "goods and others". If the behavior is persistent, I set a regular "session" at intervals appropriate to the person and review commitments to progress and behaviors. I often end up talking about where the behavior will lead (firing) if it continues. Most folks appreciate the feedback and at least try to be responsive. For the rest, at least you have documentation of counselling so a termination is easy. Sometimes is helps if you have a colleague of peer that you can confer with (OK, bitch to) to get rid of some of the frustration and maybe get some constructive feedback. In a peer network (no official supervisor relationship) that can help as the colleague may approach the offender with a "I understand you are having some issues with OM" proxy counselling.

Letting it build is common but, as you note, not really effective.

****

"Top gun rules". It's a given that fighter pilots are some of the most egocentric folks on the planet. You don't want folks flying fighters if they lack confidence in themselves. Telling them they did something poorly is a sure way to have them stop listening (and learning). Despite what you saw in the movie, Topgun teaches a debriefing technique where the only thing you label as "bad" are significant safety violations (as it, we are lucky you lived through that). A debrief starts with listing "Goods" and "Others" . You emphasize (or find) things that are good and you try to depersonalize the "others" so that is the action or behavior that was a problem, not the person. In that manner, the focusing is on increasing the goods and taking actions to correct the "others".

I use that technique in the office, with my kids and when I'm running a boat. After a race, we'd be the boat with the crew in the cockpit having a beer and discussing what we did well and what we didn't do well with an eye on how to improve. We would prebrief the next race with a review of the lessons previously learned and what we decided we would do differently the "next time" .

[Orestes Munn]

Thanks, Larry. My people-managing mentor is sadly now in such personal and career difficulties (unrelated to managing people) that I can't ask him for help anymore. He was a tough son of a bitch, but fair. He never let his people get too close, though, and I'm the opposite. I can't resist palling it up.

[JoeP]

Thanks for that Larry. It's a great management style. My wife is feeling her way through learning to manage a group of people for the first time. I shared this with her.

[Olaf Hart]

A couple of variations on Larry's techniques.

The feedback issue goes right back to delegation. If we set that up right, more often than not people will come to us to talk about errors before we find them.

The basic principle is we all make errors, and if we want people to work to their maximum skills, they are more likely to have errors.

The only mistake is to not acknowledge the error, or to repeat it.

So early on I talk about this, and let staff know I want to be informed about every error. My response is along the lines of every error is a learning opportunity, it's only a mistake if we do it again.

The second principle is a basic rule of assertiveness training, to understand that letting others know our issues early on is doing them a favour.

If we recall a situation where we are " second guessing" where others are coming from, how much better would it be if they were upfront about their needs from the start?

By letting them know our position early, we are helping them.

There is a school of assertiveness training, I often referred patients and it works.

The early work on it is in "I'm OK, you' re OK", a bit of pop psychology but on the right track.

[BeauV]

OM,

One other thing occurred to me. In my various multi-colored career opportunities I've had the pleasure/pain of leading a lot of folks. One thing I learned was best described as the "Christmas Party Pattern". As CEO I can't stay for the "fun" part of the annual party - when everyone gets crazy. Because I'm CMFIC (Chief M***ER Fu***r In Charge) the team can't really cut loose when I'm there. So, after dinner and a little dancing, I'd always withdraw so they could do things they'd be embarrassed doing in front of me.

I miss being the last dog at the bar, but only a little.

BV

[Orestes Munn]

A couple of variations on Larry's techniques.

The feedback issue goes right back to delegation. If we set that up right, more often than not people will come to us to talk about errors before we find them.

The basic principle is we all make errors, and if we want people to work to their maximum skills, they are more likely to have errors.

The only mistake is to not acknowledge the error, or to repeat it.

So early on I talk about this, and let staff know I want to be informed about every error. My response is along the lines of every error is a learning opportunity, it's only a mistake if we do it again.

The second principle is a basic rule of assertiveness training, to understand that letting others know our issues early on is doing them a favour.

If we recall a situation where we are " second guessing" where others are coming from, how much better would it be if they were upfront about their needs from the start?

By letting them know our position early, we are helping them.

There is a school of assertiveness training, I often referred patients and it works.

The early work on it is in "I'm OK, you' re OK", a bit of pop psychology but on the right track.

I wholeheartedly endorse both of those approaches.

We operate in a very scary regulatory environment and have seen the rack and the iron maiden used often. Any hidden error is a potential disaster and no one can avoid making them in work as messy and complex as what we do. I also stress to my people that if they screw up, all of us will take the fall.

Does it work? Well, today I was writing an amendment to a protocol I hadn't read for a while and discovered that we had been violating it, albeit in a strictly literal and risk-free way, for a long time. However, this is the kind of sloppiness that drives me bonkers and often results in months of delay and paperwork. So, tonight I'm going to be furious; in the morning, I'll yell at someone gratuitously on the road on my ride in and be amazed at what a jerk I am; and then I'll meet with the culprit and probably be too mild and reasonable for my own good.

[BMCBoid]

How do you bosses let go of the need to be liked all the time? If there were one thing I could change about myself right now this would be it.

I think that a good manager is not there to be liked, they are there to drive progress. Progress is driven through leveraging the resources and talents of those working with you. My approach to to trust that people can complete tasks successfully and I don't micromanage.

I think being liked as a manager comes from your ability to drive success and have your whole team share in the success. I generally as a manager take credit for very little. I am only the facilitator of the success of my team.

[TheOffice]

I'm a hard-ass. (just ask my step-daughter) You have a job to do. You don't get bonus points for showing up on time, you keep your job. If you f-up I will tell you, hopefully in a constructive manner in private. If you don' do your job correctly, I can't do mine and we all look bad.

I've never worked in government, except on the Hill, so getting rid of someone who was not capable was actually possible.

[Orestes Munn]

I'm a hard-ass. (just ask my step-daughter) You have a job to do. You don't get bonus points for showing up on time, you keep your job. If you f-up I will tell you, hopefully in a constructive manner in private. If you don' do your job correctly, I can't do mine and we all look bad.

I've never worked in government, except on the Hill, so getting rid of someone who was not capable was actually possible.

It's easy to get rid of contractors...and IRTAs and term FTEs, if you can wait a year. The only other people I have I inherited because the Institute couldn't fire them when my ex-boss left.

[Tim Ford]

Drat. I came here thinking this is going to be about the first line in a Jimi Hendrix song. Nevermind.....

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xayu6r ... s-bo_music

[floating dutchman]

At what point do you decide you don't like someone?
Think about it, someone you like on a personal level can make a hundred mistakes but you still like them while someone you don't get on with on a personal level can make one mistake and you see them as the devil.
In a work environment everyone cock's up at sometime, working out when mistakes take one individual from being a good guy or some twat that comes to work to eat his lunch is usually subconscious.
Make it a conscious decision.

If that doesn't help then do what I do when things get too much, "in a hundred years who will care" sometimes put's the gravity of the situation in perspective.

Jeroen

[Orestes Munn]

I like everyone who works for me and it seems to me that they do their best most of the time. However, that's not always what the situation demands.

[BMCBoid]

If that doesn't help then do what I do when things get too much, "in a hundred years who will care" sometimes put's the gravity of the situation in perspective.

I work for a new start railroad. I often use the question, "Even if this doesn't go right, will we still be able to open passenger service on time?" That has a good way of putting things in perspective.

Also, "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing." is another good one.

[BeauV]

"The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."

That is a GREAT line!!!

I'm SO stealing it!!