I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

If it ain't about boats, it should go here.

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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Olaf Hart » Sat Jan 02, 2016 5:38 pm

That's where I did my medical degree Beau ...

Don't remember that one, but I do remember the female medical student in anatomy prac, dissecting the penis, asked where the bone was ...

True story.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Orestes Munn » Sat Jan 02, 2016 10:18 pm

Olaf Hart wrote:That's where I did my medical degree Beau ...

Don't remember that one, but I do remember the female medical student in anatomy prac, dissecting the penis, asked where the bone was ...

True story.

The walrus has a penis bone, if I remember correctly.

When I had my c-spine rebuilt, there was some discussion of my needing to wear a collar after surgery. My daughter thought I'd come home with one of those doggy cones to keep me from messing with the op site.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Olaf Hart » Sat Jan 02, 2016 10:23 pm

Whales, dolphins, porpoises and hyenas have one too ...
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Ish » Sat Jan 02, 2016 10:30 pm

What? They have bones and I have a bunch of blood vessels and usually-flabby tissue? I want my money back.
Jim Watts~~~~~~~~~Paradigm Shift~~~~~~~~C&C 35 Mk III
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Orestes Munn » Sun Jan 03, 2016 2:55 pm

Ish wrote:What? They have bones and I have a bunch of blood vessels and usually-flabby tissue? I want my money back.

Take it from me: having to shove it down your pants leg is darned inconvenient.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby SloopJonB » Sun Jan 03, 2016 3:11 pm

Is that a boast?
Location: West Vancouver B.C.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby LarryHoward » Sun Jan 03, 2016 4:06 pm

Orestes Munn wrote:
Ish wrote:What? They have bones and I have a bunch of blood vessels and usually-flabby tissue? I want my money back.

Take it from me: having to shove it down your pants leg is darned inconvenient.


So that's why you don't wear shorts? I though it was the knobby knees.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Orestes Munn » Sun Jan 03, 2016 4:27 pm

LarryHoward wrote:
Orestes Munn wrote:
Ish wrote:What? They have bones and I have a bunch of blood vessels and usually-flabby tissue? I want my money back.

Take it from me: having to shove it down your pants leg is darned inconvenient.


So that's why you don't wear shorts? I though it was the knobby knees.

Bermudas.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Bull City » Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:00 am

This remarkable obituary stands on its own:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/newsob ... =177168544
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Jamie » Thu Jan 07, 2016 9:07 am

Bull City wrote:This remarkable obituary stands on its own:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/newsob ... =177168544


Oh, my.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby kimbottles » Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:27 pm

Bull City wrote:This remarkable obituary stands on its own:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/newsob ... =177168544


Why don't we track down David and shame him?
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby SloopJonB » Thu Jan 07, 2016 1:30 pm

Wow. I wonder who wrote the obit?
Location: West Vancouver B.C.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Thu Jan 07, 2016 5:26 pm

These are REALLY bad.... I am actually sorry about this. But not quite sorry enough to not his "Submit" !! :D :D

THE BLONDES ARE BACK!
=======================================
DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

===========================
FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

==============================
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the

mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

=============================
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

============================
RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

====================================
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

================================
KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

================================
BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

===============================
IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

================================
FINALLY,

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Bull City » Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:35 pm

kimbottles wrote:
Bull City wrote:This remarkable obituary stands on its own:

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/newsob ... =177168544


Why don't we track down David and shame him?

Interestingly, the Raleigh News & Observer has removed the obituary from its website. No explanation available.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Thu Jan 14, 2016 4:56 pm

No idea if this is a "real" Craig's List add or if it's just fun. Either way, it belongs here:
=====================
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To
the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah
night before last.
Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43
am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment;I didn't expect you to actually crap
in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing
the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend was happy that I just
returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. she
had just bought me that Kimber custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol
for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it
that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very
intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't
it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come
from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to
your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had
her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what
you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as
those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card.The
guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely
grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy
outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your
wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big
pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .....
After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the
entire driver's side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in
two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the
FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he
traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize
for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a
far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I
wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather
immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon,
and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue
in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a
good day!
Thoughtfully yours.
Semper fi
,
Alex
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby JoeP » Fri Jan 15, 2016 2:50 pm

Today's XKCD:

Image
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby cap10ed » Tue Jan 19, 2016 10:48 am

Some puns to ponder
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Ed Wojtecki “may your compass always lead you home"
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby floating dutchman » Wed Jan 20, 2016 5:05 am

cap10ed wrote:Some puns to ponder
No.2:

My work place is often noisy, we have watertight doors that we often go in and out, and I have a few Tongan fellas working here, they are all very nice natured folk, but they sometimes just miss European culture.
So if we are going to do a job together it is no uncommon for to have the door held open for me. (if I'm the first through the door then I'll hold the door open, of course).
When I hold the pockets of my coveralls and do a curtsey they just totally miss it sometimes. Poor guys just don't know what to think at first.
Ah, the simple little things I do at work to entertain myself.
Jeroen.
Good wine still isn't beer.
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby cap10ed » Wed Jan 20, 2016 8:59 am

The Washington Post's annual neologism contest
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Ed Wojtecki “may your compass always lead you home"
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Fri Jan 22, 2016 1:38 pm

An Email exchange:

===========================

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
=======================================
Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!’
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby JoeP » Tue Jan 26, 2016 5:06 pm

In case of emergency

in_case_of_emergency.png


Courtesy of XKCD
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:00 pm

I Nearly Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School .
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the
letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

===================================

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, “WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED
YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

===================================
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby SemiSalt » Tue Feb 02, 2016 9:25 am

And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man. - A.E. Houseman - A Shropshire lad
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Olaf Hart » Tue Feb 02, 2016 7:00 pm

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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Olaf Hart » Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:00 am

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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Thu Feb 04, 2016 12:02 am

Love those last two!!
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby floating dutchman » Thu Feb 04, 2016 6:49 pm

I think we should understand better what we are not giving so much of.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvPbxZmZxZ8[/youtube]
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Olaf Hart » Sat Feb 06, 2016 1:43 am

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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby Panope » Sat Feb 06, 2016 8:36 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zO2wFkl46g[/youtube]
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Re: I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

Postby BeauV » Sun Feb 07, 2016 4:07 pm

Steve, that video is the reason that my lovely Admiral only tolerates my ability to eat and stay somewhat normal looking. But I dare not explicitly mention it, she looks daggers. B
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