I just can't resist! You'll just have to look away.....

[floating dutchman]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

1, You said it was fine, so I did it. I'm not a mind reader!
2, Fine, but we're going in your car, I'm starting the engine in five Minuets, You pay for the gas in your car.
3, You said nothing, If you wanted to be married to a mind reader, you should have married one.
4, your said go ahead! We're blokes, I thought that meant "Yea, I'll hold your beer"
5, Loud Sigh, good to see your unwinding Dear.
6, That's O.K. how can one possibility not understanding being told something is O.K?
7, Your welcome.
8, Yea, we both know your wrong now!
9, Don't worry about it! Nothing to worry about unless you did not get an erection, then it is something to worry about, But say won't say THAT!

10, yea, buying a boat will be a great idea, good way for the whole family to get involved and doing something together.

10+ http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing ... =660870762

O.K. vent over.

[cap10ed]

One of the best answering machine messages out there.


Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline...If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly. If you are co dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want so stay on the line and we will find you. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you what number to press. If you are dyslexic press 696969. If you have a nervous disorder please mess with the pound key until the beep. If you have short term memory loss please try your call again later. And if you have no self esteem hang up because no one wants to talk to you.

[SloopJonB]

Some random ones ...

Re: the third one, it actually took 100 years for men to realize that they HADN'T been protecting their brain all that time.

[SloopJonB]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

1, You said it was fine, so I did it. I'm not a mind reader!
2, Fine, but we're going in your car, I'm starting the engine in five Minuets, You pay for the gas in your car.
3, You said nothing, If you wanted to be married to a mind reader, you should have married one.
4, your said go ahead! We're blokes, I thought that meant "Yea, I'll hold your beer"
5, Loud Sigh, good to see your unwinding Dear.
6, That's O.K. how can one possibility not understanding being told something is O.K?
7, Your welcome.
8, Yea, we both know your wrong now!
9, Don't worry about it! Nothing to worry about unless you did not get an erection, then it is something to worry about, But say won't say THAT!

10, yea, buying a boat will be a great idea, good way for the whole family to get involved and doing something together.

10+ http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing ... =660870762

O.K. vent over.

Why do I have the feeling that you have not been happily married for a long time?

[Orestes Munn]

Some random ones ...

Re: the third one, it actually took 100 years for men to realize that they HADN'T been protecting their brain all that time.

Brain tissue is devoid of pain receptors, but the testis is full of them. That right there is telling you a powerful truth about their relative value to the species.

[Ish]

Some random ones ...

Re: the third one, it actually took 100 years for men to realize that they HADN'T been protecting their brain all that time.

Brain tissue is devoid of pain receptors, but the testis is full of them. That right there is telling you a powerful truth about their relative value to the species.

Here's an excellent chance to cross-post something I dumped into General Anarchy.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/nov/11/artist-nails-testicles-red-square-pyotr-pavlensky

[Orestes Munn]

Saw that on the NYT site. Disturbing.

[BeauV]

Ish, I'm not going to click on that link. Just reading your post made me cross my legs! BV

[kimbottles]

ouch!

[Orestes Munn]

Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

[SloopJonB]

Saw that on the NYT site. Disturbing.

Isn't that what art should be?

[Orestes Munn]

Saw that on the NYT site. Disturbing.

Isn't that what art should be?

Some art, for sure; maybe a lot of it in a place like Russia today.

[cap10ed]

The question that needs to be asked “did he use ring nails or Ardox Spiral nail. 3 in. Made of "D-Box Technologies" steel. For general construction. Increased holding power. Reduces splitting. Bright finish. These are construction grade testicle approved.

[Ish]

The question that needs to be asked “did he use ring nails or Ardox Spiral nail. 3 in. Made of "D-Box Technologies" steel. For general construction. Increased holding power. Reduces splitting. Bright finish. These are construction grade testicle approved.

New technology, not so much whacking, much faster grab.

[cap10ed]

I like technology Ish. You could do several bus loads of artists with that puppy.

[Ish]

I like technology Ish. You could do several bus loads of artists with that puppy.

You could probably do at least three per nail.

[Tigger]

Takes balls to do art like that.

[BeauV]

Well, I think the guy really nailed it.

[JoeP]

Good one, and Happy Birthday Beau!

[kimbottles]

Oh NO! Is Beau now older??

[BeauV]

Thank you Joe.

Kim, I am now older. I am SO OLD that:
1) I wear my pants pulled all the way up, when I remember to put them on
2) I nap mid-afternoon
3) I am eating more bland food, which for a person of Dutch ancestry means I'm using less salt
and...

I have a grand child to torture with sea stories and tales of pirates and monsters.

[cap10ed]

Beau, Happy Birthday . I will raise a glass to the west in tribute. After reading most of your posts on Scants, you have gained my respect and admiration.

[BeauV]

Beau, Happy Birthday . I will raise a glass to the west in tribute. After reading most of your posts on Scants, you have gained my respect and admiration.

Well, Capn' Ed, the toast is appreciated; the respect is ill founded. Enjoy your drink, I'm looking forward to a few.

[SloopJonB]

Anyone who would dry-sump a Morgan deserves respect.

HBTY Beau.

[kimbottles]

Thank you Joe.

Kim, I am now older. I am SO OLD that:
1) I wear my pants pulled all the way up, when I remember to put them on
2) I nap mid-afternoon
3) I am eating more bland food, which for a person of Dutch ancestry means I'm using less salt
and...

I have a grand child to torture with sea stories and tales of pirates and monsters.

OK, well I guess I should wish you a happy birthday!

[BeauV]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact
that I was a bit late in meeting him, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt ... who the hell misses a two-foot putt !!!!

[Lin]

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.

We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact
that I was a bit late in meeting him, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour.

I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.

About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted,
and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt ... who the hell misses a two-foot putt !!!!

Beau, this is hilarious and I am sure it resonates with some women. ... Well, I can relate, anyway.

A very Happy Birthday to you, Beau!

[Orestes Munn]

A man approaching old age has an existential crisis. He loses interest in his job, his family, his Hinckley. He dumps them all and set out on quest for spiritual enlightenment and inner peace. He studies with Zen masters, gurus, tzaddiks, and imams. He fasts, he meditates, he takes drugs. Many years later, he has spent all his money, his health is broken, he attained much wisdom, but he still thirsts for the ultimate knowledge, which, he's has heard, is possessed by the lama of the remotest monestary in Nepal. He flies to Kathmandu with his last dollars, begs a ride to the end of the road, and sets out on foot, up valleys, across glaciers. Finally, at dusk on the fifth day, he arrives exhausted, starved and near death. He is carried into the presence of the holy man who asks:

"And what is it that I may do for you, my poor child?"

"Oh, master, grant me this wish that I may die at peace: Tell me, what is the secret of life?"

"Ah, my child, it is so simple. Life is like a fountain!"

"A fountain? Oh! ...but how so, Master?"

"You mean it isn't like a fountain?"

[Olaf Hart]

Anyone who would dry-sump a Morgan deserves respect.

HBTY Beau.

I assumed it meant that Silastic wasn't stopping the oil leak.

Happy birthday Beau.

[cap10ed]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.


Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.


The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.”


“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I'd better have the bad news first.”


The Sarge says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”


The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.


But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.


The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.”


He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.


“Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?”


“Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.